my lucky life update/recap

How weird to be blogging this now! This is *the* story, haha.

So last year, just about a week after I posted about being single, something uncanny happened. I broke my phone and went to get a new one with my dad at Verizon, and this really mellow looking guy caught my attention. I didn't say anything to him though, other than "I broke my phone," and nothing happened at the store aside from my making a mental note of his name lanyard thing.

I had just moved out, and was by myself because my roomie Mads hadn't arrived from Minnesota yet. That night I was so lonely and bored, and going through a rough time anyways. With the most innocent intentions you could ever imagine, I decided to look up that guy at the Verizon store on Instagram. After sifting through a few Zachary Mikel's, I came across the man I'd seen earlier, and found that he was a talented music producer and posted amazing original music! Convinced he would not remember who I was, I decided to follow him just to see more of his music. I mean, he was pretty cute, too. But yeah.

Soon, he followed me back, and started liking a bunch of my pictures. I was intrigued, and started liking his back (Ah, such millennials). A few days later, I was hanging out with a friend and we were driving down Eagle road. I looked over into a pretty red bimmer next to me; lo & behold my Instagram crush driving alongside me! I did everything possible while driving to get him to notice me, but his eyes were glued to the road.
..this is where it gets a lil creepy..I told my friend to take a picture of his car with my phone, and I sent it to him on Instagram.

Clearly I have mad tact.

It worked though, and after a conversation about our shared personal interests he offered me his number! What a score. I named him "Verizon Guy" and he apparently named me "Stalker"...a love story was born? haha. After a few days of texting we decided to go longboarding together. It was so easy to hangout that we saw each other every day after that: playing music, floating the river, going to dutch bros, watching silly TV shows, going to church and bible study...and after about 2 weeks of this, he asked my dad if we could date. It was pretty much the coolest thing that ever happened to me.

I found it super strange to meet someone and almost immediately become romantically interested in them. Something about Zach felt very peaceful and I never felt like it was risky at all. God had His hand on me, I could feel it. 

My relationship with Zach was so contrasting to many of the other relationships I was experiencing at that point in my life. In the past couple years, I've felt a lot of hurt and frustration from the ending of friendships. I have cried out to God and asked why the people I loved so much kept disappearing from my life or changing into completely different people. It was hard not to have closure with friendships God had taken away from me. Because in the end, I felt a lot of reassurance from Job 1:21 - "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." I knew that friendships were really a gift from God and I had no control over those in the long run. God puts people in your life and you love them as hard as you can for as much time as you have. 

This was heart-breaking to learn, but also I felt the grace of God on my heart when He gave me the best friend I'd ever had! This best friend is here to stay. I get him my whole life. Zach is the answer to my prayers. I can't believe that I get to be his wife. I also can't believe that a little over a year ago I was mourning singlehood, and I now get to honor God in marriage. It is truly a privilege to do it alongside someone as determined, thoughtful, and God-fearing as Zach. I have loved pushing each other to be better, it has absolutely lightened my load...I really believe we are equally yoked and made to do this thing together. 

So, this blogpost is honestly a testament to God's grace and love that He gives to us even when we sure as hell don't deserve it. I am a pencil in the hand of God and I love reading His stories, heartbreak and all. It'll all be worth it :)

solo dolo

It’s been a little while!

I have literally been putting off blogging on this topic for years. I guess I realized it was time when I was flipping through the radio stations today, and began seriously wishing all the songs were about burgers and fries instead of men and women in love. SOMETIMES BEING SINGLE PRETTY MUCH SUCKS, and I’m just gonna say it. 

I think in my mind I somehow calculated that if I blogged about being single, I was admitting to being unwanted, boring, desperate, or unhappy with my lot in life. Plus, every single person who blogs about it says something like, this is your time to enjoy life and do whatever you want! You aren’t accountable to anyone! It’s better to be single than to be linked to the wrong person! Keep praying! This will strengthen your relationship with the Lord! He is testing you! 

All of those things are things that I have either been told or have read. Some are true, others not so much. And I feel like most of the people who give this advice are not single themselves, or are putting on a bit of a facade. So I am going to be as straight up as possible about singleness. It’s not always fun, and truthfully, I hope I’m not single forever. 

Granted, some people actually do love being single. More often than not, these people are the ones saying that this is the time to do whatever you want, and that you aren’t held accountable. When I’ve been in this state of mind, I’ve found that I am saying I have no desire for a relationship, but am constantly craving physical or emotional attention to fill a gap that is in my heart, whether I admit it or not. 

Listen to the radio. People LIKE being in love. They’re all singing about it. Most people have some inkling of a desire to love and be loved. And I won’t lie, I definitely have more than an inkling. When we don’t want to be alone, though, is perhaps when we need it the most. 

I’m not writing this to give my opinion on being single and how to handle it. Enough people have done that. I’m really just sharing [some of] my emotional experiences with it because at this point, I believe it is healthy for me.

Disclaimer, I haven’t been single this whole last decade. I’m not really in the dark about how it feels to be in a relationship with another person. But the topic is quite pressing in my family, friend circles, and every other corner of my social life. “Any boy toys, Megs?” “Hows the man hunt?” “Got your eye on anyone?” Thankssss for asking, everyone. This always bugs me because if there were another person, I would probably have said something. So I’m glad you are clarifying with me. Lol. What people often do not understand is that just because a girl is “single,” does not mean that she is a flower that no one seems to have noticed. Sorry for the metaphor. But yeah, she’s probably been approached and is, for everyone’s benefit, being semi-selective about who she opens her heart to. 

The truth is, our culture puts such little weight and value in relationships. I don’t date for fun. Being vulnerable with another human being hurts too much to just mess around for no reason. Waiting for all the dots to connect is excruciating at times, but as a girl, it is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for other people. There is no point dilly dallying and dabbling with other people's emotions while we wait for God to suddenly show us who we were created for. 

I recently thought I knew what (or who) God’s plan for me was (lol). All I wanted to do was spill all of my emotions and share how I felt, and see if the dots would connect. I literally felt sick and never slept because I was so uppity about it. Somehow I stopped myself from getting carried away, and prayed every night that God would give me direction in the matter, and also give me patience to bear the weight of my own desires. After weeks of not getting anything, eating constantly, sleeping never, I sort of got an answer. It wasn’t the answer I wanted, so I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head. But I quickly realized that if my plan were God’s plan, He would make it happen. I wouldn’t not be the one making things happen. And, most likely, God would have been the one to tell the person of my interest that I was the plan, not me. So I have emotionally dropped the desires (with difficulty), and the Lord somehow gave me peace about accepting things the way they are...

Which, is at this point, single (:

Elisabeth Elliot said, “God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God’s refusals are always merciful -- ‘severe mercies’ at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” I read it a couple days ago and my soul was flooded with peace. Knowing the Lord has my life in His hands, and orchestrates everything the way He does because He loves me - is the best possible thing. 

So maybe, I don’t love being single, but I do love that I have a God that is protecting me and doing the best possible thing with my life. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (ps 137) The waiting game is hard, but WE HAVE THIS HOPE as an anchor for the soul, and it’s way better than creating our own games out of boredom and loneliness. 

Loneliness is a subtopic that deserves it’s own blogpost. But I can say that trusting in the Lord, cliche as it sounds, is one of the only things that has gotten me through this summer. I love my God and the peace he brings in a painful world. If you made it this far, thanks for reading (:

I Need Thee

one of the most popular messages in today's culture, particularly to women, is that we must strive to be strong and independent, immune to all opinions, criticism, help, or labels. above are some of the quotes I found scrolling through pinterest today. we are obsessed with the idea of being self-sufficient. 

Speaking for myself, I would typically consider myself a pretty independent person in many aspects. I have learned not to rely on having friends at my beck and call, and am completely comfortable having my own plan, going places alone (usually, pepperspray really ups my confidence), and generally I do not like to make others aware of things that I am struggling with. I like to solve my own problems. 

This is not necessarily uncommon. Especially since both the media and culture are breathing down our backs to be strong, to blaze our own trails, be our own husbands, and many times to be tough as nails. being a 'bad bitch' is commonly glorified because she is defined as such: "A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion, be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards, only her own."(another pin). We are breeding a generation of "hard ass women who take no shit." 

Is this independence? Wow.

Switching gears a little bit (just for a bit I promise, I'll connect the dots), I've been working pretty relentlessly on my prayer life. To be terribly honest, prayer has been one of my weakest links to God for years. Until very recently, it has always felt awkward to me. Am I talking to myself? What is the point of my garrulous insomnia if I don't hear anything back? Prayer did not strengthen my faith but often times, it made me feel weaker. So, I sort of disengaged for a long time. When I was desperate and awfully down or scared, I'd give it a shot, but it was just a half-hearted plea, making sure I hadn't exhausted all my options….sometime's I'd even use blogging or journaling as a substitute. Through a variety of paths, I felt convicted about this spiritual issue that I had avoided for so long and started to investigate a little. In the past couple months I have confronted my qualms and literally practiced prayer every day. I did not start out every day actually…I think it started like maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I'm sure to some that sounds absolutely ludicrous, but I had to start somewhere! And the amazing thing is that Jesus always meets us where we're at. And that's what He did for me too. While the first few weeks were madly uncomfortable and made me feel more insecure than ever, I soon realized that developing a firmer prayer life was about much more than being able to communicate with God. It was building a relationship between myself and God. 

I didn't want to release all my problems, thoughts, and desires. I just wanted a little help, every now and then. Something to get me by. But I am realizing now that I am getting much more than something to get me by. haaaaallelujah. Talking with God every morning and every night is one of the best things I have ever indulged in. Whether I am exuberant, weary, overwhelmed, grateful, hurt, guilty, or completely content, it is comforting to know that He knows it all and for some reason, He takes the time out of His day and listens to my pathetic wanderings. Investing in a habit of prayer has significantly increased my trust in His plan, and given me a much clearer perspective of His love and often times of myself. 

All we want to be is independent, but the reality is that what we need is the exact opposite. Learning to be dependent on the God of the universe is one of the most comforting things we can do for ourselves. Elvina Hall put it beautifully in the song Jesus Paid it All: "I heard the Saviour say, 'Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all." Admitting that our strength IS so small and that we ARE children of weakness opens new doors for growth, and baring it all at the feet of Jesus will never hurt you. It will only bless your life in more ways than you could possibly imagine. I'm still finding that out and it's like WOW

So going back to what I started with….I don't really want to be that romanticized independent woman that culture encourages. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman with goals. But I will not be a bitch who takes no shit. Honestly, I'm going to take a lot of sh**. (Not sure why I starred it this last time) I mean I figure, Jesus does it all day, every day….Thank God, or I'd be ruined. I will not be a hard ass. I intend to be a soft person with a heart malleable and willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus, regardless of how uncomfortable it is or how much it hurts to be open and dependent in every circumstance. 

I aspire to be an entirely dependent woman, relying fervently on my saviour, knowing full well that I need Him desperately. I need thee o I need thee, every hour I need thee. O blessed be thou my Saviour, I come to thee

January thoughts. (what a boring title)

Lately, I have been fascinated by the idea of a simple life. because far too often, life just feels so complicated and absolutely absurd when it doesn't have to be. Slowly, I've been trying to cleanse my life of things obstructing simplicity. One of the first things I did was a little less than a year ago; deleting my Facebook was such a fulfilling decision. The account literally doesn't exist anymore. I also used to blog on tumblr a lot, but rarely indulge anymore. And most recently, I eliminated all of my twitter habits, and that account cannot be reactivated either. My reasoning for all of that was sort of in response to my motivation for having all of those social media outlets in the first place. After examining myself it was pretty obvious that I got a lot of my self-worth through internet approval. It's embarrassing to even admit for me now because I find it so ridiculous, but I know that in essence I was worried about what I looked like to an entire world of people that didn't know me, more than I was worried about how I looked to Jesus. 

The thing is, we are obsessed with the idea that what we look like, what we think, or what we want…we are obsessed with the idea that those things actually matter. We get the idea in our heads that people should want to know our opinions on matters of this world. We want everyone to know what music we've been listening to. We want everyone to know what we think of president Obama. Because what we think is so important that everyone needs to know about it. We are desperate for a decent connection with people who are as smart as us, people who like to do the same things that we do, or even desperate to give ourselves a sense of superiority to others through comparison on the internet. So why do we turn to social media as an outlet to interact with people? Why do we want their approval so desperately? And why on earth do we believe we are so important?

Well, we replace human interaction with social media because we are afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is perceived as a weakness. To be open and exposed is to leave yourself available to harm and manipulation. So what better way to hide your authentic self than to engage in a digital life? People have a hard time making the realest and most wholesome friends because they are not willing to reveal who they really are and who they have been. In order to have a soulful connection with another person each person must bare his scars and exchange the most impacting occurrences of his life. Brené Brown wrote in her book Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path” (140).

Only in this susceptibility can we inch toward the center of raw humanness. To be human is to fail, and if we put on a show like failure is not and has never been an option, we will find a plethora of fake friends and others who desire to live a sham of a life. Many of these “friendships” and connections are formed through digital technology. And because we tie ourselves down to the tweets we compose, how many likes we get, and how often we get Snapchats from people we do not actually know, we are losing the meaning in our lives and living in a hollow shell. It is therefore increasingly hard to break down people’s walls and find the true man inside.

God created us for a life full of so much more than tweets, statuses, and new photo albums. And we are fleeing from it. This is starting from such a young age in our present culture. And while digital technology is not the only outlet that these philosophical problems are filtering through, it is a prominent one. Children are receiving cell phones as early as third grade. A 7 year old girl that I used to babysit just began following me on Instagram, a photo sharing site that I never predicted would be used by children, swimming in hundreds of followers and posting self portraits asking if they are cute or stupid. The faux-world is infiltrating every age group of our culture and training us to become feeling-less machines that look for comfort in a device, rather than Jesus Christ or His actual “followers” on this earth.

This is discouraging for me, especially because I can see the effects in the people I am attending college with and on myself. There are only a few cures to this problem. As a vulnerable and authentic person in our culture, it is so healthy to practice kindness to quite literally, everyone. This can be hard, but realizing that every single human is lacking some form of love and searching for it in some way opens up countless doors in the search for the human soul in our friends and acquaintances. I feel that we must make a conscious effort to hold meaningful and genuine face-to-face conversations with those who cross our paths, and truly invest in the exposing of a person’s heart. 

In application of my "SIMPLIFY MY LIFE" endeavors, I've stopped scrolling through Facebook before class starts. I've been more intentional in my relationships with my own family and the people around me. And if I have spare time, I read a book, not a dramatic comment thread hahah.

And perhaps, this entire post is self-contradictory in the fact that I believe what I'm saying actually matters……lol at myself. but I don't have it all figured out…..I'm actually wrestling with a rather weird issue myself, not to be discussed in this post. But to hint, I think I may be becoming a…

hopeless romantic??????

omg help! 

and also omg help I just said omg! in a blog post! okay, thats enough. until next time...

Well, here we are (:

my heart has been stretched and pulled tenaciously throughout this year. I guess that's how God gets your attention, haha.

one of the biggest things I have realized is that it is okay to wrestle, question, and search for clarity. being a christian does not necessitate having everything figured out. the truth is, the story is in the struggle. if i hadn't pushed a few limits, asked hard questions, and made hard decisions, i wouldn't have gotten to know new aspects of not only myself, but learned to understand God in ways that I had not yet experienced. This is not to say that I don't think I made mistakes or do not have regrets. Because I will always have something to regret, calling on Jesus to forgive me like he always does.

I just have to say, I love being a Christian.

Each man has his own right to believe what he believes, but I am so blessed to believe in my Redeemer. Maybe others have found comfort and love in other things of this world, but nothing here can satisfy my deepest desires like the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I know this because I've done things I'm not proud of; I've tried to fill the void. But it simply cannot be filled without him.

I sometimes feel ashamed because I feel like often, I am going backwards. It's like, the older I get, the more I realize I don't have a clue. The older I get, the more questions I have. The older I get, the more I realize that I need to trust and rely on Him more than anything. In the past few months, I have fostered a terrible habit of not releasing my troubles to God. I want to believe that I can do it myself. I doubt that God could work through the situation I'm trying to handle. I think that maybe, God doesn't fit the bill for this problem, and I need to figure out a way to do this myself. It is entirely fruitless and frustrating. Time and time again, when I stop and realize that I can't do it alone- I find that he proves me wrong. The thing I thought was out of God's scope, the thing that I didn't think would work out, plays out beautifully in a way I never could have conspired if I didn't leave it to Him. Like, "Hey meg! Didn't I tell you, with me all things are possible? don't even worry. I will always have your back and I have a greater plan than you will ever know. Trust me."

I love being a Christian because there is no one in this world that could love a selfish, indecisive, hypocritical person like me as Jesus does. In the words of my dear old friends in relient k, "I've been a liar, and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say 'I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.'" Getting involved with Jesus is something I will never regret. without him, I would be lonely and lost forever.

Essentially, it's like this…when I draw near to God, He draws near to me. When I seek him, I find him. I have made grim mistakes in deserting him and wandering out on my own to see what I can find. But when I come back dirty, unfulfilled, desperate, hungry, and tear-stained…He opens his arms and says welcome back my dear. And I instantly wonder why I ever left.



Currently, life is good (: I'm chipping away at an English Education degree at Boise State. I'm recovering from hard choices this year. But my family is great. I have never felt closer to them, and they have never been so important to me. Church is also something that I look forward to every sunday and it feels like the place I belong. I love my bible study and the community I've found at BSU with that. I have a new server job, too! I think God is really doing important things in my life right now and I am happy to have recovered a trust in Him that I seemed to have lost. So thankful.

this life has started to look so dim and tedious

time to change the lens 


Jesus, i am desperate for you. i want you with all my heart. I feel like I have been running subconsciously from everything that speaks your name to me. I got hurt and scared but now i NEED the peace that only you can offer.

i gotta change my life. I get stuck in the same place, in the same situation, with the same people and the same mindset every single day. and I convince myself its where I am supposed to be.

it's like when you realize how much He loves you, you cannot help but want to run to that love with all you have and find Him in your mess. I WANT to know this love. i've experienced it all along, but i feel like i have been so blind. and when you're blind, how can you explain how things really are to people around you? there's no way I can share or fully experience His love without opening my eyes and putting myself in the light that Jesus offers me so easily.

God show me where to go. show me what to do. help me change everything. i'm tired of the same every day. Please change me and help me to really understand how much more i am capable of finding you in this place.

le silent summer

i realized recently that i always kind of blogged last year when i had decided feelings on some particular part of my life or thoughts. my silence is, then, probably due to a lack of resolution this summer. It's like a feeling that of course, I can only imagine...but nonetheless, moving from a decently smooth cold river to a frozen lake, where you see a billion frozen fish around you and the ice is somehow your mind...you don't know which fish is the most like you, which ones are dangerous, or which place on the bottom of the lake is the most fitting for your comfort or well-being. All you can do is stare and observe the clear crystal statues of elements around you..no going forward or backward. wow i sound crazy haha but seriously i'm going crazy. Shmrrrrghh.

This post sounds really negative, but I don't really know if it is. Let's just call it flat

whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

what the heck!! i cannot believe my freshman year of college is about a week away from being totally finished. Some things about the beginning seem so recent, while if i change perspectives, i know that a lot has happened this year and a lot has actually changed since i started. funny how that works...

there's so much i could say or talk about, haha ..i don't even know how to organize it.....like at all.............................OK here i go

• the majority of my attitude is extremely positive
• i have some finals coming up
• womens choir has finished for the year. next year i hope to be in two choirs
• i have a wishywashy plan to double major sophomore year in psychology & music industry
• i am trying to find a job [lol, right]
• i have been insanely busy
• i don't have TONS of friends and i'm not very needy
• but the ones i have..i love so much i feel warm and fuzzy!
• i have met a gazillion more new people this semester
• i have learned to be myself
• i have learned to be super independent
• i have learned how to connect with people in my own way
• i just freakin love people. they are interesting and amazing.
• i have been really musically inspired and stretched recently!
• i now know how to work out and stay motivated!
• i am okay with being alone!
• i am working on being more vulnerable with people. because exposure is NOT weakness!
• ...^this is because of a book i am reading called Daring Greatly and it has been shaking my soullll! ...i could also talk about that for forever. i am so psyched about it. ask me about it sometime.
• sometimes i feel like i'm scraping by but it's been so apparent to me that God is paving a way that i can't necessarily see
• i have been going to tons of concerts this semester!
• i have been recording stuff to practice with
• working on a new original song which is super fun and eye-opening
• a few of my best friends from highschool came to my concert last week and it warmed my heart
• my writing professor told me i should be a literature or english major! i thought about it for a second. **might still be thinking about it
• new piano pieces are rollin in for next semester:)

i basically just feel...happy. and blessed. like this year was really, really hard...as i guess a lot of my blogposts show..kind of pessimistic. and now i finally see what God is doing. well, some of it. and i know i won't always stay this happy cause life never stays the same. but i love to relish in the contentment of uncertainty that i have for now. kind of went on and on about all those things. but i have learned so much this year from God, my family, people in my life, and new experiences. and it makes me so excited.

i'm not scared to be alone..& i'm not afraid to like it.

to feel alive

Sometimes, it feels like life is just crawling along. every day feels like a week. it's like a sickness kind of. trapped inside yourself

january was not my finest month hahaha. i struggled a lot with loneliness and frustration with myself, and just this sort of hole in my heart. I felt like there was something missing and i couldn't figure out what it was.

did i need to be loved? did i need people or a person?
did i need to be more successful? to accomplish more? reach a higher mark?
maybe i need to just be happier? buck up?
did i need adventure? new things? new places?

i just needed Jesus. but WHY do i fail to see that in the worst of times???! my humanity. fallible humanity haha. but geez.....
   i feel so much better:)
"And my God will meet ALL your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (philippians 4:19)
it's so easy to forget to live DAILY for Him. it's easy to forget that He is the crux of our existence. & when i forget that, i look for my existence in things of this world and day to day experiences. which never fails to leave me empty. it's also easy to just go through the motions...sing the words....and place Him on a back-burner.

telling myself that it's not always about what I need. God puts some pretty sweet people in my life every day. but do i think about what they need? to live for Him means to live for others as well...and once that registers in your conscience...life feels so purposeful. it moves. and you feel so, very, alive.













...totally a side note, but The Avett Brothers have an album called Emotionalism...and it is gorgeous and so moving. soul music guysss

january, shmanuary

i really really don't want to blog this month. my heart is all over the place

trying to figure out who God wants you to be can be a tired, loser-ly, and freakin lonely time. it has been a rough month. but i'm trying to stay encouraged (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdRAsW-IO2c

thats m'favorite song right now. anyways~ onward we go! pray for me! ready to move into feb

to find the balance..

Throughout junior high/some of high school who I wanted to BE was simply..an impressive intellectual. I don't know why, but that is who I desperately wanted inside myself. I tried to read hard books and tried to be interested in certain theories and debates that smart people were interested in, because I just wanted to grow into the persona of intelligence. My sophomore year I started going to a classical, Christian institution. Ambrose was so good for me, and at least for my sophomore year, I was still strongly pursuing the intellectual person inside of me. Junior and senior year, I slowly lost the desire to be this impressive intellectual...it was really hard to be an impressive intellectual at my school, AND, the more you learned, the stupider you felt. So by senior year I had given up on that aspiration.

I didn't really know who I wanted to be anymore. To be an "impressive intellectual" seemed so meaningless now, and I realized how much my ego had been involved before. But I also realized how much Intellectualism was advertised to me in this time. If you were really, really smart, had deep thoughts about things that people didn't normally think about, used big words, and acted like you knew exactly what you thought because obviously you'd read up on all this stuff and you were just "so intellectually cultured"....you were legit. But now it didn't seem like that to me. I encountered too much arrogance along the way to give Intellectualism the same respect that I once did. I was and am, so tired of ego's being in the way of things. This is not to say that I do not sometimes participate in this habit. But all the same..it became/is increasingly obvious to me.

After senior year, a summer of much deliberation and thinking, and then experiencing an ENTIRELY new environment at NNU with completely different people and countless different opinions and personalities during my first semester....I started to realize what was important to me. who did I want to become? What was my goal as a person. My growing concern soon materialized in my head as a concrete idea/question...how was I to truly love the separate people God put in my life. How to get rid of my ego. To be an intellectual didn't strike me as a highly useful way of loving people. Yes it's good to be smart and cultured. But wisdom is more than knowledge. and I believe that wisdom is used in loving people. not purely intellect.

I decided that obviously being smart was a good thing. Dumb love can only get you so far. But I now struggle with the balance of intelligence and love/compassion.

The culture we live in now, seems to me a strong enforcer of unthinking acceptance, which we translate to love. To judge at all is to be cruel. The only way people of this world can love one another is to say...be happy. I accept your past. I accept who you are. I accept your sins. I accept it all, or at least I say I do because that guarantees peace between all of us, right? And because I accept all this and am the most open-minded person in the world, I am the most loving. Who could love you better than me, someone who doesn't care what you do or what you've done because I AM SANCTUARY.

  To me this is dumb love. this is fake love. this is all an illusion of happiness. So, it seems I don't agree with the culture's view of "love." But I also disagree with the idea that the way to love people is pound what we think is truth into their heads [as Christians], and show people what it really means to be a deep thinker, to live the real truth. The intellectual view of love that I had encountered for so many years seemed to say tell them how it is, no matter who they are, because they're better off knowing the facts and hating you for the way you treat them. It's okay for other people to feel stupid if it gets them thinking at all. LET THEM HAVE IT

 now I am stuck. My past view of love is skewed. And the culture's view being pushed on me now, is also skewed. All I really want to do is love people, because I feel such strong connections to people who all feel things and are all created in God's image...just like me. I want to know them all. and I want to love them all. But how do I do it without being a steel wall, or a giant pillow. ...yeah my analogies suck. blah blahhh

I think I am supposed to find the balance between intelligence and love. I do not desire to be merely intelligent. Nor do I wish to love without thinking. I think what I want to do is intelligently love people. to wisely love people. This means that I tell them what I think. It means I am not wishy-washy and am completely honest with people. But it also means you treat all people in a manner that they desire to be treated. kindness is so important. Intellectualism forgets this. The wise friend is hard to tangibly attain as well. But my goodness this is so hard to define.

Are we as Christians allowed to lower our standards to become relatable to people from other backgrounds? To a certain limit? Sometimes I feel the need to do this in order to effectively love others. to REALLY become a tangible resource for them. But obviously this makes me and my morality more vulnerable. I would love to know the answer to this. What truly is the most effective way to love in a culture so disillusioned with far too harsh of love, and far too soft of love.

I want to know. And I think the more I learn and practice how to love who God puts in my life...the smaller my ego would become. i hope. sigh....any insight to this giant rolling discussion with myself would be so appreciated.

well i think..

Beware. feelings:

something's been driving me biserk since I have been at school. Never really had to deal with boy girl issues in highschool because most everyone seemed like brothers to me. Sure there were a couple notable crushes. but basically nothing important at all and i didn't get into trouble in that area because I kept my feelings very tightly reined. I was really, really glad of that going into college.

I have never been mocked so much for never having dated someone as I am now. the fact that i've never really had my first kiss is a huge joke. and I am faced with things like "what? you've never had a boyfriend? you're so pretty", "HOW? kissing is one of the best feelings in the world!" or "oh what a shame, I'm sorry!".....
guess what guys
i'm not really that sorry...

ugh.

this is something that I chose for myself. Being in a relationship is kind of a big deal...and that's because it involves our hearts and souls. dangerous material. i put a really high value on those things and relationships can really, really hurt you or someone else when you're not strong enough with your emotions and beliefs, or have firm self-awareness.

The people that i am interested in are people I'm willing to invest my heart into for more than a couple months. dating isn't a game. and neither is my heart. people aren't prizes. guys or girls. and I am tired of people taking the concept of a relationship for granted. Sure do what you want. But God's timing is perfect and what i do is purposeful and intentionally careful. i am living my story..yes that sounds cheesy. but it's really true. so maybe it is weird that i haven't ever kissed anyone in comparison to the culture. but maybe that just makes it pretty dang clear that whoever I kiss is someone that i respect and admire enough to give part of my experience away to. if I got in a relationship, i would probably be reaaaaaaaaaaal interested in their heart. enough to risk their's and mine.

it'd be really cool if people actually respected the fact that i guard my heart and dont let it fly all over the place. blah. anyways. there's my rant.

feeling better. i think

...this post is just me being all...lifelifelife...blahblah..i apologize ahead of time because it will probably be very scatterbrained ha..unless that interests you haha. just on the brain
 people..
 i get along with alot because honestly music majors are so personable and lovable. Like...I don't even have to know some people very well and i LOVE them! like choir people. oh geez. so great. Or like all of the people in my theory class hahaha man it is so fun to geek out over something no one would ever geek out with me over before now! One of my favorite things is improv class...dude...okay, the first day. I'm all like, okay, improvisation, whatevs...holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crap every single person is an incredible musician!!!! my mind was so blown and all of a sudden i felt so overwhelmed with all the people who liked to make stuff up like me! and very intimidated hahahah wow so much talent. There are only a couple pianists in the group..a couple others who do voice & piano..but dude me and august are the only just piano players. and he was so infinitely intimidating to me for the first month or so...it made me dislike being there cuz i'd go after him and feel like I didn't know what I was doing at all. But i feel better about that one now haha he is nice and we get along PLUS i'm getting better at improvising :) slowly. SO now I love it and it feels very at-home, it is a very encouraging atmosphere...music people are so loving and uplifting to eachother cuz they all have to get up there and do the same thing. So I don't feel quite as scared anymore.
 even though MOST of my friends are music people not all of them are :) most of my classes are music classes though. I have two that aren't...cornerstone, and history. at first i didn't like cornerstone...but...i think history takes the cake for least favorite :X But yeah i love that people are so nice at NNU. like i could talk to almost anyone and they'd be friendly back to me and we could have a little conversation. I have made friends in different circles because i didn't want to isolate myself to musicians because i think there's a beauty in many other circles that many musicians lack and I don't want to be ignorant of all the other beautiful aspects of education, and people. So i really like knowing so many different kinds of people. Crazy how many different backgrounds i come across..in highschool it was easy because everyone is, for the most part, coming from he same viewpoint/history as you. Not the same here because everyone is sooo different. it is really refreshing. also challenging.
 I have started getting into the habit of practicing all the time too haha. It feels good. and i will never have as much time as i have now to practice. so i have to try and remember to take advantage of that (: It's so weird how i have to grow into this college thing haha. i have had a hard time finding just like..my people. Egh this is so hard to explain but i feel better when i write about stuff. my class only had 14 people in it. 14 of like..my BEST friends. and that environment was one that felt so safe and secure to me. because, and i feel this is somewhat odd, but i think because i feel most at home when being teased..i'm not a class clown or dumb all the time but i like to make other people happy and sometimes being totally odd is the way to make people happy. because of that want in me i am used to being messed with all the time in my family and in highschool. College/education is serious business for sure, but, i don't like it when all the people i'm with take me too seriously or they can't talk about something loosely. Everything is serious, even the funny things. i don't like being around that 24/7....so, blessed i believe..i have found this really cool group of friends that i feel is super laid back and hilarious but also cares about God and the importance of Christianity in life. i feel so comfortable and happy about it i am praying for constant people to just really keep be grounded while still being absolutely side-splitting and SO much fun to be with. Also. I have gotten to know my dear friend Jordan over the last couple months and we get each other so well while still having our disagreements. I really love it. and her. we are the same major btw. its legit yeah.
 I hope i am staying focused on the right things. I'm really trying, and trying to take in every beautiful thing cuz there are so many that I could so easily miss. love all the new things that god is setting before me...so many opportunities. and still hoping he really truly uses me.
 wow. yeah that was definitely scatterbrained. but a weight is lifted off my shoulders haha, yay. weird how writing everything out does that for you. k bye.

definitely wandering

I'm not even entirely sure what to say...okay. maybe if I think of it this way. there are two sides of "how is college."

The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.

the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...

i don't think i know...

It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!

there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.

yeaaah buddyyyy

You know when people are all like, "omg, best summer ever."

well. i truly mean it.

I just feel really obligated to sum up the sheer legit-ness of this summer.....

A week and a half or so after i graduated with 14 of my best friends, we left on a roadtrip to California.

We went beachin and window shopping and eating giant shrimp.

i also got to go to disneyland for the first time in my entire life. i am 18. what...

I saw the british heart throb of a band ONE DIRECTION in san diego with my best frand sista frand and enjoyed niall's beautiful face

I read a book that changed my life.

i spent almost a week in McCall, sleeping, having road adventures, learning how to drive a boat, and spending time with family and friends.

i happened to win a radio contest while driving in the car and got to go bowling with this band called Hot Chelle Rae with some good friends. Did you know how they got their name...well. let me tell you. before they were popular and still up and coming...they had this really crazy fan girl on myspace. her name was chelle rae. she happened to be "really hot." so, the band was named. hot chelle rae. like a boss....anyway, they promised us free tickets to their next boise gig. pretty great.

I went ziplining for the first time because my ridiculously cool aunt turned 50. it was amazing. there is no picture to capture the feeling of flying over land and trees

my mom's cousin & her family came and stayed with us for a week.

a few days after they left we drove to where they came from.

In MN we saw these super cool people that we have known our entire lives. 

they are the bechtels. 

and they are beast.

we tubed pretty much every day.

I learned how to water ski. 

well. i attempted it. 

slept by campfires. drove out on a boat with my life-long friend who is named Friend and caught up on 5 years while looking at the stars until 2 in the morning. I got a much needed college pep talk.

after that highlight...we drove over to my grandparents house in Rochester. they are pro on wrinkly dogs. technically called Shar pei's. but you know. we spent time with them & other family. happiness, happiness

I got a new room and painted it yellow and gray. :) i got rid of over half of all the junk i had collected over 5-10 years. feels pretty fresh. i worked a lot of days at my dad's office. i also taught 7 wonderful kids piano and am hoping i can keep them this year...:)

I went coning with friends. Did the unicorn prank. and convinced my oh so serious friend Kade to do the same. that was definitely a highlight. ...if you don't know what it is, definitely youtube it

kade also listened, talked, and helped me figure out some important stuff in my summer. which meant a lot.

ruth and i had some great nights:) 

we went to the fair, and ate hawaiian noodles and sweet potato fries, and even rode a few rides...afterwards some of my closest friends and i stayed up watching movies/24 and talking late late late...530 in the morning never felt so....good..? 

other nights and days included inspiring hikes, morning teas, ultimate frisbee, meeting people, working out with ma soul sista, playing volleyball, making food, eating food, watching tv shows on netflix, having bible studies, movie nights, sleeping on the trampoline, swimming, grad parties, cards and deposited checks:).

yeah i'd say the blessings are overflowing. I couldn't thank God enoughfor this summer...it has truly made me appreciate life much more...I really, really mean that. He showed me so much through people and places, His Word and all His beautiful things. and now i am finally ready to start so many things over at NNU. not just ready...PSYCHED. :)

timshel...finally getting around to it haha:)

Just not good enough. Can't get rid of it. No matter how hard I try, it will never work. I hate myself. Why can't I be like her? I deserve nothing. Why does He even let me live.


Dramatic? Yeah...a little bit. but i think a lot of people think those things. I have...a lot. I mean, there's always going to be girls who post their pictures saying how insecure they are, or how they can never please the public eye...which isn't really the public at all. Overly self conscious, i guess. But I mean the deep, deep discontented feeling inside yourself that doesn't hate how flabby your thighs are, or how you don't have as much as some one else...that feeling when you can't stand who you are...thats what i mean. Reading East of Eden by Steinbeck was one of the best decisions I made this summer. I cried several times, applied all of myself to the book, and felt every pain found in those words....it was a really, really beautiful book. Not the content persayyyy but the writing was so so personal and the emotional ties that Steinbeck makes so easy to relate to REAL pain that people feel in REAL life.


feeling disappointed in yourself is really natural I think. But i've never really seen it honed in on at all, or made clear by anyone in an applicable way. In East of Eden, Cal did that for me. I saw myself so, so clearly, especially being the oldest. There are a lot of different ways, but one in particular that got me so hard was here...
"'Dear Lord,' he said, 'let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything int he world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen.' Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle." 
      I felt like a sniveling little idiot sitting there crying over that paragraph. but i have felt that exact same way and prayed earnestly to be everything that i am not. it is an awful feeling. 

BUT THEN, the book didnt just leave me to drown in all my puddles of tears, thinking about how much I am like Cal and how awful I truly am....its got that word...rEdEmPtIoN!!! Man is so fallen!! SO FINITE. so lifeless and doomed for failure. well. we aren't completely doomed for failure and thats what EOE says. 

i could sing it. like mumford and sons. TIMMMMMMSHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. i have fallen in love with this word.

"'Thou mayest rule over sin,' Lee. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the only ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is true of the battles- only the winners are remembered. Surely most men are destroyed but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!' What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of the earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strata of limestone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I have never understood it or accepted before." (309)

people in this world can WIN? we can CHOOSE to OVERCOME the junk we find trailing along our past? YEAAAAAAh. umm. i could go for that. how much and how deeply I have sorrowed for things I have done. things i have thought. things i have said....all because of how crappy my heart is. things where i am like WOW. i literally cannot believe myself. but i am too pitiful to do anything to repay myself for the things i do. i never punish myself. nah. I just sit there, thinking about how disgusting i am. and it goes away for a while. until I think of it again. and then there's another night wallowing in myself. sick. but Steinbeck writes about this so clearly through Cal & timshel...no matter how bad I am...I can always, always choose to make a right decision. I'm not stuck with the gross heart inside of me. I can work on it. I can scrub dang hard on those disgusting moldy spots on it. and I can make the decision, to leave the disgusting part of my heart, and strive towards the Christ in my heart. sometimes the grossness of it makes it really really hard to choose Christ. but the choice...it's always there. because NOT ALL of my heart is DOOMED to become everything I hate. 

 Jesus conquered sin and death. I am so, so inspired to strive towards this same thing. 

           "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His only Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness,  or peril, or sword? ... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (rom 8:31-37) 

in all things. we are more than conquerors. through Him who loved us. 

holyyyyy wowwwwww. 

with the power of Christ...WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO OR CONQUER ANYTHING. 

"I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed--because 'Thou mayest.'" (304)

the soul of man. is beautified by our God. and I really, really love that idea. 

"You stop that!" Lee said sharply. "You hear me? Don't let me catch you doing that. Of course you may have [that] in you. Everybody has. But you've got the [other] too. Here- look up! Look at me!" Cal raised his head and said wearily, "what do you want?" "You've got the other too. Listen to me! You wouldn't even be wondering if you didn't have it. Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now--look close at me so you will remmeber. Whatever you do, it will be you who do it- not your mother." (449)


[that] = sin. evil.  [other]= light. good. JESUS.


I could ramble on about how much I love this book for a really really long time. BUT if you haven't read it...i hope you do soon...because it really touched me. Who we are will always look dirty and disgusting if we look at it through the bad lens of our heart. But looking through Christ....our souls have so, so much potential and we can conquer ourselves... and the world.

until june, past june

LISTEN. to this song. click it. yeah.

the truth in the lyrics is overwhelming to me. it is beautiful. and means a lot to me..i think it would do anyone some good <3

quite enthralled with this band currently. in a few days i will try and fit all my thoughts into a post regarding East of Eden....if i can....

for my class.

                After being around one group of people for most of the time in the last 3 years, I couldn't help but to become incredibly attached to you guys. Love is to want another's good, and I think love is pretty contagious in the class, even though its often subconscious. This love is shown pretty clearly to me through the escalation of happiness when Cooper won a MT award after acting in jeans and a t-shirt, or when Megan shines in her singing and drama roles and you can't help but to feel incredibly proud of her. When Davin finally got around to dunking and our happiness and excitement overflowed. Our frustration when Riley didn't get the ROTC scholarship because we all know what an incredible person he is. These are just a few examples, but I could come up with more. While we do love each other more than we know I think, I don't deny the presence of disagreement and argument in our class. But one time, Mr. Miller said something to me in his office..."It's a strange dynamic to say the least...they fight like brothers and sisters, yet they are always there to defend one another when something comes up." It really stuck. I had been thinking about this a lot lately and over the years have collected a lot of memories that mean more than I can say with every single person. Graduation is ...tomorrow, and time is slipping right through my fingers. I am completely ready to graduate and get out of school, but there are some things that just have to be remembered before moving onto other things.

                With Ben, I laugh out loud thinking about things we say or do...he showed me how to really throw a football, we had insane hotel adventures in London, we have had countless study hall laughs, thrown lots of stuff around, he encouraged me with Davin more than anyone else when i started basketball for the first time, and he has given me invaluable advice and plenty of extremely meaningful pep-talks. Megan has licked me, come with me to the dentist office in the name of getting work done on a project, danced a crazy Prince of Egypt dance in Mr. wilson's room with me, made a bus cake with me, cried with me, and pulled all-nighters with me. Madi and I bought ate a whole pizza & breadsticks for lunch. I have given her a ..few..tattoos, we stayed up till two in the morning one time, talking about EVERYTHING in her hot-tub, and played volleyball and basketball together. In my mind, Riley is the ideal cowboy. He has also advised me several times in the following fashion: "What if you marry him someday Meghan? Would you still say that?", we have played bullies in a music video together, we broke a light with a volleyball, and had intense pillow and pen wars. I have teased Heather more than I should have probably :) and tried to scare her, I have tried to be smarter than Heather. I have creeped on her, and she has made me laugh very, very hard. Libby has done crazy make-up in sephora with me. We snuck out in the snow one day and failed at attacking a boy-army in the snow...we tried to be stealthy. We've done sidewalk chalk, laid in curtains and eaten a lot of oreos at our brothers' JH bball game. Ok maybe I ate most of the oreos. :) I've gotten mad at coop, and he's gotten mad at me. We've said sorry to eachother a lot :) we've taken a webcam picture with Mr. Rallens, we have filmed insane music videos and video edited together. He has mimicked me endlessly, scared me really, really bad, gone to art in park with me, and we've had community service adventures. Hannah has put me in headlocks that sometimes really really hurt! She has sung the National Anthem with me, and we have also played basketball and volleyball together. We've done lots of hair and braiding, and she's helped me learn how to box-out :) I have picked Kade up off the side of the road. We've played in duet competitions, and called eachother slobs. He has given me countless advice on a LOT of different things, and is very wise. I will miss him telling me "that's not a word." Katy was my first friend at the school. She brought me movies and books and chocolate when i had pneumonia, she's cried her eyes our next to me while watching Titanic, went on huge junk food rampages with me, drowned our sorrows in salt and vinegar chips our first (my only ;)) year of Mock Trial. I have been co-dance DJ with Davin, and he's been my pen target practice. He's given me the biggest and funnest bruise i ever acquired, he's tipped my chair countless times, we have *also* had big pillow fights. He has white-washed me, and has been a friend that I needed. Ruth and I have been bored together, we have watched tons of wacky movies together, we taken spontaneous bike rides, studied for innumerable tests, she's cared for me when i don't deserve it, and made me laugh like crazy. Laura has competed with me, always been happy and cheerful around me...she's given me science and math help, and puts others above herself.

                Tell me how I am supposed to move on with my life without all of these wonderful, and incredibly influential people around me? All i can say is that I love and will always love you guys more than I can say. Thank you for everything.