solo dolo

It’s been a little while!

I have literally been putting off blogging on this topic for years. I guess I realized it was time when I was flipping through the radio stations today, and began seriously wishing all the songs were about burgers and fries instead of men and women in love. SOMETIMES BEING SINGLE PRETTY MUCH SUCKS, and I’m just gonna say it. 

I think in my mind I somehow calculated that if I blogged about being single, I was admitting to being unwanted, boring, desperate, or unhappy with my lot in life. Plus, every single person who blogs about it says something like, this is your time to enjoy life and do whatever you want! You aren’t accountable to anyone! It’s better to be single than to be linked to the wrong person! Keep praying! This will strengthen your relationship with the Lord! He is testing you! 

All of those things are things that I have either been told or have read. Some are true, others not so much. And I feel like most of the people who give this advice are not single themselves, or are putting on a bit of a facade. So I am going to be as straight up as possible about singleness. It’s not always fun, and truthfully, I hope I’m not single forever. 

Granted, some people actually do love being single. More often than not, these people are the ones saying that this is the time to do whatever you want, and that you aren’t held accountable. When I’ve been in this state of mind, I’ve found that I am saying I have no desire for a relationship, but am constantly craving physical or emotional attention to fill a gap that is in my heart, whether I admit it or not. 

Listen to the radio. People LIKE being in love. They’re all singing about it. Most people have some inkling of a desire to love and be loved. And I won’t lie, I definitely have more than an inkling. When we don’t want to be alone, though, is perhaps when we need it the most. 

I’m not writing this to give my opinion on being single and how to handle it. Enough people have done that. I’m really just sharing [some of] my emotional experiences with it because at this point, I believe it is healthy for me.

Disclaimer, I haven’t been single this whole last decade. I’m not really in the dark about how it feels to be in a relationship with another person. But the topic is quite pressing in my family, friend circles, and every other corner of my social life. “Any boy toys, Megs?” “Hows the man hunt?” “Got your eye on anyone?” Thankssss for asking, everyone. This always bugs me because if there were another person, I would probably have said something. So I’m glad you are clarifying with me. Lol. What people often do not understand is that just because a girl is “single,” does not mean that she is a flower that no one seems to have noticed. Sorry for the metaphor. But yeah, she’s probably been approached and is, for everyone’s benefit, being semi-selective about who she opens her heart to. 

The truth is, our culture puts such little weight and value in relationships. I don’t date for fun. Being vulnerable with another human being hurts too much to just mess around for no reason. Waiting for all the dots to connect is excruciating at times, but as a girl, it is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for other people. There is no point dilly dallying and dabbling with other people's emotions while we wait for God to suddenly show us who we were created for. 

I recently thought I knew what (or who) God’s plan for me was (lol). All I wanted to do was spill all of my emotions and share how I felt, and see if the dots would connect. I literally felt sick and never slept because I was so uppity about it. Somehow I stopped myself from getting carried away, and prayed every night that God would give me direction in the matter, and also give me patience to bear the weight of my own desires. After weeks of not getting anything, eating constantly, sleeping never, I sort of got an answer. It wasn’t the answer I wanted, so I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head. But I quickly realized that if my plan were God’s plan, He would make it happen. I wouldn’t not be the one making things happen. And, most likely, God would have been the one to tell the person of my interest that I was the plan, not me. So I have emotionally dropped the desires (with difficulty), and the Lord somehow gave me peace about accepting things the way they are...

Which, is at this point, single (:

Elisabeth Elliot said, “God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God’s refusals are always merciful -- ‘severe mercies’ at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” I read it a couple days ago and my soul was flooded with peace. Knowing the Lord has my life in His hands, and orchestrates everything the way He does because He loves me - is the best possible thing. 

So maybe, I don’t love being single, but I do love that I have a God that is protecting me and doing the best possible thing with my life. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (ps 137) The waiting game is hard, but WE HAVE THIS HOPE as an anchor for the soul, and it’s way better than creating our own games out of boredom and loneliness. 

Loneliness is a subtopic that deserves it’s own blogpost. But I can say that trusting in the Lord, cliche as it sounds, is one of the only things that has gotten me through this summer. I love my God and the peace he brings in a painful world. If you made it this far, thanks for reading (: