Dramatic? Yeah...a little bit. but i think a lot of people think those things. I have...a lot. I mean, there's always going to be girls who post their pictures saying how insecure they are, or how they can never please the public eye...which isn't really the public at all. Overly self conscious, i guess. But I mean the deep, deep discontented feeling inside yourself that doesn't hate how flabby your thighs are, or how you don't have as much as some one else...that feeling when you can't stand who you are...thats what i mean. Reading East of Eden by Steinbeck was one of the best decisions I made this summer. I cried several times, applied all of myself to the book, and felt every pain found in those words....it was a really, really beautiful book. Not the content persayyyy but the writing was so so personal and the emotional ties that Steinbeck makes so easy to relate to REAL pain that people feel in REAL life.
feeling disappointed in yourself is really natural I think. But i've never really seen it honed in on at all, or made clear by anyone in an applicable way. In East of Eden, Cal did that for me. I saw myself so, so clearly, especially being the oldest. There are a lot of different ways, but one in particular that got me so hard was here...
"'Dear Lord,' he said, 'let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything int he world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen.' Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle."
I felt like a sniveling little idiot sitting there crying over that paragraph. but i have felt that exact same way and prayed earnestly to be everything that i am not. it is an awful feeling.
BUT THEN, the book didnt just leave me to drown in all my puddles of tears, thinking about how much I am like Cal and how awful I truly am....its got that word...rEdEmPtIoN!!! Man is so fallen!! SO FINITE. so lifeless and doomed for failure. well. we aren't completely doomed for failure and thats what EOE says.
i could sing it. like mumford and sons. TIMMMMMMSHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. i have fallen in love with this word.
"'Thou mayest rule over sin,' Lee. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the only ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is true of the battles- only the winners are remembered. Surely most men are destroyed but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!' What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of the earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strata of limestone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I have never understood it or accepted before." (309)
people in this world can WIN? we can CHOOSE to OVERCOME the junk we find trailing along our past? YEAAAAAAh. umm. i could go for that. how much and how deeply I have sorrowed for things I have done. things i have thought. things i have said....all because of how crappy my heart is. things where i am like WOW. i literally cannot believe myself. but i am too pitiful to do anything to repay myself for the things i do. i never punish myself. nah. I just sit there, thinking about how disgusting i am. and it goes away for a while. until I think of it again. and then there's another night wallowing in myself. sick. but Steinbeck writes about this so clearly through Cal & timshel...no matter how bad I am...I can always, always choose to make a right decision. I'm not stuck with the gross heart inside of me. I can work on it. I can scrub dang hard on those disgusting moldy spots on it. and I can make the decision, to leave the disgusting part of my heart, and strive towards the Christ in my heart. sometimes the grossness of it makes it really really hard to choose Christ. but the choice...it's always there. because NOT ALL of my heart is DOOMED to become everything I hate.
Jesus conquered sin and death. I am so, so inspired to strive towards this same thing.
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His only Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (rom 8:31-37)
in all things. we are more than conquerors. through Him who loved us.
holyyyyy wowwwwww.
with the power of Christ...WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO OR CONQUER ANYTHING.
"I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed--because 'Thou mayest.'" (304)
the soul of man. is beautified by our God. and I really, really love that idea.
"You stop that!" Lee said sharply. "You hear me? Don't let me catch you doing that. Of course you may have [that] in you. Everybody has. But you've got the [other] too. Here- look up! Look at me!" Cal raised his head and said wearily, "what do you want?" "You've got the other too. Listen to me! You wouldn't even be wondering if you didn't have it. Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now--look close at me so you will remmeber. Whatever you do, it will be you who do it- not your mother." (449)
[that] = sin. evil. [other]= light. good. JESUS.
I could ramble on about how much I love this book for a really really long time. BUT if you haven't read it...i hope you do soon...because it really touched me. Who we are will always look dirty and disgusting if we look at it through the bad lens of our heart. But looking through Christ....our souls have so, so much potential and we can conquer ourselves... and the world.
[that] = sin. evil. [other]= light. good. JESUS.
I could ramble on about how much I love this book for a really really long time. BUT if you haven't read it...i hope you do soon...because it really touched me. Who we are will always look dirty and disgusting if we look at it through the bad lens of our heart. But looking through Christ....our souls have so, so much potential and we can conquer ourselves... and the world.
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