to find the balance..

Throughout junior high/some of high school who I wanted to BE was simply..an impressive intellectual. I don't know why, but that is who I desperately wanted inside myself. I tried to read hard books and tried to be interested in certain theories and debates that smart people were interested in, because I just wanted to grow into the persona of intelligence. My sophomore year I started going to a classical, Christian institution. Ambrose was so good for me, and at least for my sophomore year, I was still strongly pursuing the intellectual person inside of me. Junior and senior year, I slowly lost the desire to be this impressive intellectual...it was really hard to be an impressive intellectual at my school, AND, the more you learned, the stupider you felt. So by senior year I had given up on that aspiration.

I didn't really know who I wanted to be anymore. To be an "impressive intellectual" seemed so meaningless now, and I realized how much my ego had been involved before. But I also realized how much Intellectualism was advertised to me in this time. If you were really, really smart, had deep thoughts about things that people didn't normally think about, used big words, and acted like you knew exactly what you thought because obviously you'd read up on all this stuff and you were just "so intellectually cultured"....you were legit. But now it didn't seem like that to me. I encountered too much arrogance along the way to give Intellectualism the same respect that I once did. I was and am, so tired of ego's being in the way of things. This is not to say that I do not sometimes participate in this habit. But all the same..it became/is increasingly obvious to me.

After senior year, a summer of much deliberation and thinking, and then experiencing an ENTIRELY new environment at NNU with completely different people and countless different opinions and personalities during my first semester....I started to realize what was important to me. who did I want to become? What was my goal as a person. My growing concern soon materialized in my head as a concrete idea/question...how was I to truly love the separate people God put in my life. How to get rid of my ego. To be an intellectual didn't strike me as a highly useful way of loving people. Yes it's good to be smart and cultured. But wisdom is more than knowledge. and I believe that wisdom is used in loving people. not purely intellect.

I decided that obviously being smart was a good thing. Dumb love can only get you so far. But I now struggle with the balance of intelligence and love/compassion.

The culture we live in now, seems to me a strong enforcer of unthinking acceptance, which we translate to love. To judge at all is to be cruel. The only way people of this world can love one another is to say...be happy. I accept your past. I accept who you are. I accept your sins. I accept it all, or at least I say I do because that guarantees peace between all of us, right? And because I accept all this and am the most open-minded person in the world, I am the most loving. Who could love you better than me, someone who doesn't care what you do or what you've done because I AM SANCTUARY.

  To me this is dumb love. this is fake love. this is all an illusion of happiness. So, it seems I don't agree with the culture's view of "love." But I also disagree with the idea that the way to love people is pound what we think is truth into their heads [as Christians], and show people what it really means to be a deep thinker, to live the real truth. The intellectual view of love that I had encountered for so many years seemed to say tell them how it is, no matter who they are, because they're better off knowing the facts and hating you for the way you treat them. It's okay for other people to feel stupid if it gets them thinking at all. LET THEM HAVE IT

 now I am stuck. My past view of love is skewed. And the culture's view being pushed on me now, is also skewed. All I really want to do is love people, because I feel such strong connections to people who all feel things and are all created in God's image...just like me. I want to know them all. and I want to love them all. But how do I do it without being a steel wall, or a giant pillow. ...yeah my analogies suck. blah blahhh

I think I am supposed to find the balance between intelligence and love. I do not desire to be merely intelligent. Nor do I wish to love without thinking. I think what I want to do is intelligently love people. to wisely love people. This means that I tell them what I think. It means I am not wishy-washy and am completely honest with people. But it also means you treat all people in a manner that they desire to be treated. kindness is so important. Intellectualism forgets this. The wise friend is hard to tangibly attain as well. But my goodness this is so hard to define.

Are we as Christians allowed to lower our standards to become relatable to people from other backgrounds? To a certain limit? Sometimes I feel the need to do this in order to effectively love others. to REALLY become a tangible resource for them. But obviously this makes me and my morality more vulnerable. I would love to know the answer to this. What truly is the most effective way to love in a culture so disillusioned with far too harsh of love, and far too soft of love.

I want to know. And I think the more I learn and practice how to love who God puts in my life...the smaller my ego would become. i hope. sigh....any insight to this giant rolling discussion with myself would be so appreciated.

well i think..

Beware. feelings:

something's been driving me biserk since I have been at school. Never really had to deal with boy girl issues in highschool because most everyone seemed like brothers to me. Sure there were a couple notable crushes. but basically nothing important at all and i didn't get into trouble in that area because I kept my feelings very tightly reined. I was really, really glad of that going into college.

I have never been mocked so much for never having dated someone as I am now. the fact that i've never really had my first kiss is a huge joke. and I am faced with things like "what? you've never had a boyfriend? you're so pretty", "HOW? kissing is one of the best feelings in the world!" or "oh what a shame, I'm sorry!".....
guess what guys
i'm not really that sorry...

ugh.

this is something that I chose for myself. Being in a relationship is kind of a big deal...and that's because it involves our hearts and souls. dangerous material. i put a really high value on those things and relationships can really, really hurt you or someone else when you're not strong enough with your emotions and beliefs, or have firm self-awareness.

The people that i am interested in are people I'm willing to invest my heart into for more than a couple months. dating isn't a game. and neither is my heart. people aren't prizes. guys or girls. and I am tired of people taking the concept of a relationship for granted. Sure do what you want. But God's timing is perfect and what i do is purposeful and intentionally careful. i am living my story..yes that sounds cheesy. but it's really true. so maybe it is weird that i haven't ever kissed anyone in comparison to the culture. but maybe that just makes it pretty dang clear that whoever I kiss is someone that i respect and admire enough to give part of my experience away to. if I got in a relationship, i would probably be reaaaaaaaaaaal interested in their heart. enough to risk their's and mine.

it'd be really cool if people actually respected the fact that i guard my heart and dont let it fly all over the place. blah. anyways. there's my rant.

feeling better. i think

...this post is just me being all...lifelifelife...blahblah..i apologize ahead of time because it will probably be very scatterbrained ha..unless that interests you haha. just on the brain
 people..
 i get along with alot because honestly music majors are so personable and lovable. Like...I don't even have to know some people very well and i LOVE them! like choir people. oh geez. so great. Or like all of the people in my theory class hahaha man it is so fun to geek out over something no one would ever geek out with me over before now! One of my favorite things is improv class...dude...okay, the first day. I'm all like, okay, improvisation, whatevs...holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crap every single person is an incredible musician!!!! my mind was so blown and all of a sudden i felt so overwhelmed with all the people who liked to make stuff up like me! and very intimidated hahahah wow so much talent. There are only a couple pianists in the group..a couple others who do voice & piano..but dude me and august are the only just piano players. and he was so infinitely intimidating to me for the first month or so...it made me dislike being there cuz i'd go after him and feel like I didn't know what I was doing at all. But i feel better about that one now haha he is nice and we get along PLUS i'm getting better at improvising :) slowly. SO now I love it and it feels very at-home, it is a very encouraging atmosphere...music people are so loving and uplifting to eachother cuz they all have to get up there and do the same thing. So I don't feel quite as scared anymore.
 even though MOST of my friends are music people not all of them are :) most of my classes are music classes though. I have two that aren't...cornerstone, and history. at first i didn't like cornerstone...but...i think history takes the cake for least favorite :X But yeah i love that people are so nice at NNU. like i could talk to almost anyone and they'd be friendly back to me and we could have a little conversation. I have made friends in different circles because i didn't want to isolate myself to musicians because i think there's a beauty in many other circles that many musicians lack and I don't want to be ignorant of all the other beautiful aspects of education, and people. So i really like knowing so many different kinds of people. Crazy how many different backgrounds i come across..in highschool it was easy because everyone is, for the most part, coming from he same viewpoint/history as you. Not the same here because everyone is sooo different. it is really refreshing. also challenging.
 I have started getting into the habit of practicing all the time too haha. It feels good. and i will never have as much time as i have now to practice. so i have to try and remember to take advantage of that (: It's so weird how i have to grow into this college thing haha. i have had a hard time finding just like..my people. Egh this is so hard to explain but i feel better when i write about stuff. my class only had 14 people in it. 14 of like..my BEST friends. and that environment was one that felt so safe and secure to me. because, and i feel this is somewhat odd, but i think because i feel most at home when being teased..i'm not a class clown or dumb all the time but i like to make other people happy and sometimes being totally odd is the way to make people happy. because of that want in me i am used to being messed with all the time in my family and in highschool. College/education is serious business for sure, but, i don't like it when all the people i'm with take me too seriously or they can't talk about something loosely. Everything is serious, even the funny things. i don't like being around that 24/7....so, blessed i believe..i have found this really cool group of friends that i feel is super laid back and hilarious but also cares about God and the importance of Christianity in life. i feel so comfortable and happy about it i am praying for constant people to just really keep be grounded while still being absolutely side-splitting and SO much fun to be with. Also. I have gotten to know my dear friend Jordan over the last couple months and we get each other so well while still having our disagreements. I really love it. and her. we are the same major btw. its legit yeah.
 I hope i am staying focused on the right things. I'm really trying, and trying to take in every beautiful thing cuz there are so many that I could so easily miss. love all the new things that god is setting before me...so many opportunities. and still hoping he really truly uses me.
 wow. yeah that was definitely scatterbrained. but a weight is lifted off my shoulders haha, yay. weird how writing everything out does that for you. k bye.

definitely wandering

I'm not even entirely sure what to say...okay. maybe if I think of it this way. there are two sides of "how is college."

The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.

the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...

i don't think i know...

It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!

there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.

yeaaah buddyyyy

You know when people are all like, "omg, best summer ever."

well. i truly mean it.

I just feel really obligated to sum up the sheer legit-ness of this summer.....

A week and a half or so after i graduated with 14 of my best friends, we left on a roadtrip to California.

We went beachin and window shopping and eating giant shrimp.

i also got to go to disneyland for the first time in my entire life. i am 18. what...

I saw the british heart throb of a band ONE DIRECTION in san diego with my best frand sista frand and enjoyed niall's beautiful face

I read a book that changed my life.

i spent almost a week in McCall, sleeping, having road adventures, learning how to drive a boat, and spending time with family and friends.

i happened to win a radio contest while driving in the car and got to go bowling with this band called Hot Chelle Rae with some good friends. Did you know how they got their name...well. let me tell you. before they were popular and still up and coming...they had this really crazy fan girl on myspace. her name was chelle rae. she happened to be "really hot." so, the band was named. hot chelle rae. like a boss....anyway, they promised us free tickets to their next boise gig. pretty great.

I went ziplining for the first time because my ridiculously cool aunt turned 50. it was amazing. there is no picture to capture the feeling of flying over land and trees

my mom's cousin & her family came and stayed with us for a week.

a few days after they left we drove to where they came from.

In MN we saw these super cool people that we have known our entire lives. 

they are the bechtels. 

and they are beast.

we tubed pretty much every day.

I learned how to water ski. 

well. i attempted it. 

slept by campfires. drove out on a boat with my life-long friend who is named Friend and caught up on 5 years while looking at the stars until 2 in the morning. I got a much needed college pep talk.

after that highlight...we drove over to my grandparents house in Rochester. they are pro on wrinkly dogs. technically called Shar pei's. but you know. we spent time with them & other family. happiness, happiness

I got a new room and painted it yellow and gray. :) i got rid of over half of all the junk i had collected over 5-10 years. feels pretty fresh. i worked a lot of days at my dad's office. i also taught 7 wonderful kids piano and am hoping i can keep them this year...:)

I went coning with friends. Did the unicorn prank. and convinced my oh so serious friend Kade to do the same. that was definitely a highlight. ...if you don't know what it is, definitely youtube it

kade also listened, talked, and helped me figure out some important stuff in my summer. which meant a lot.

ruth and i had some great nights:) 

we went to the fair, and ate hawaiian noodles and sweet potato fries, and even rode a few rides...afterwards some of my closest friends and i stayed up watching movies/24 and talking late late late...530 in the morning never felt so....good..? 

other nights and days included inspiring hikes, morning teas, ultimate frisbee, meeting people, working out with ma soul sista, playing volleyball, making food, eating food, watching tv shows on netflix, having bible studies, movie nights, sleeping on the trampoline, swimming, grad parties, cards and deposited checks:).

yeah i'd say the blessings are overflowing. I couldn't thank God enoughfor this summer...it has truly made me appreciate life much more...I really, really mean that. He showed me so much through people and places, His Word and all His beautiful things. and now i am finally ready to start so many things over at NNU. not just ready...PSYCHED. :)

timshel...finally getting around to it haha:)

Just not good enough. Can't get rid of it. No matter how hard I try, it will never work. I hate myself. Why can't I be like her? I deserve nothing. Why does He even let me live.


Dramatic? Yeah...a little bit. but i think a lot of people think those things. I have...a lot. I mean, there's always going to be girls who post their pictures saying how insecure they are, or how they can never please the public eye...which isn't really the public at all. Overly self conscious, i guess. But I mean the deep, deep discontented feeling inside yourself that doesn't hate how flabby your thighs are, or how you don't have as much as some one else...that feeling when you can't stand who you are...thats what i mean. Reading East of Eden by Steinbeck was one of the best decisions I made this summer. I cried several times, applied all of myself to the book, and felt every pain found in those words....it was a really, really beautiful book. Not the content persayyyy but the writing was so so personal and the emotional ties that Steinbeck makes so easy to relate to REAL pain that people feel in REAL life.


feeling disappointed in yourself is really natural I think. But i've never really seen it honed in on at all, or made clear by anyone in an applicable way. In East of Eden, Cal did that for me. I saw myself so, so clearly, especially being the oldest. There are a lot of different ways, but one in particular that got me so hard was here...
"'Dear Lord,' he said, 'let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything int he world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen.' Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle." 
      I felt like a sniveling little idiot sitting there crying over that paragraph. but i have felt that exact same way and prayed earnestly to be everything that i am not. it is an awful feeling. 

BUT THEN, the book didnt just leave me to drown in all my puddles of tears, thinking about how much I am like Cal and how awful I truly am....its got that word...rEdEmPtIoN!!! Man is so fallen!! SO FINITE. so lifeless and doomed for failure. well. we aren't completely doomed for failure and thats what EOE says. 

i could sing it. like mumford and sons. TIMMMMMMSHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. i have fallen in love with this word.

"'Thou mayest rule over sin,' Lee. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the only ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is true of the battles- only the winners are remembered. Surely most men are destroyed but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!' What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of the earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strata of limestone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I have never understood it or accepted before." (309)

people in this world can WIN? we can CHOOSE to OVERCOME the junk we find trailing along our past? YEAAAAAAh. umm. i could go for that. how much and how deeply I have sorrowed for things I have done. things i have thought. things i have said....all because of how crappy my heart is. things where i am like WOW. i literally cannot believe myself. but i am too pitiful to do anything to repay myself for the things i do. i never punish myself. nah. I just sit there, thinking about how disgusting i am. and it goes away for a while. until I think of it again. and then there's another night wallowing in myself. sick. but Steinbeck writes about this so clearly through Cal & timshel...no matter how bad I am...I can always, always choose to make a right decision. I'm not stuck with the gross heart inside of me. I can work on it. I can scrub dang hard on those disgusting moldy spots on it. and I can make the decision, to leave the disgusting part of my heart, and strive towards the Christ in my heart. sometimes the grossness of it makes it really really hard to choose Christ. but the choice...it's always there. because NOT ALL of my heart is DOOMED to become everything I hate. 

 Jesus conquered sin and death. I am so, so inspired to strive towards this same thing. 

           "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His only Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness,  or peril, or sword? ... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (rom 8:31-37) 

in all things. we are more than conquerors. through Him who loved us. 

holyyyyy wowwwwww. 

with the power of Christ...WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO OR CONQUER ANYTHING. 

"I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed--because 'Thou mayest.'" (304)

the soul of man. is beautified by our God. and I really, really love that idea. 

"You stop that!" Lee said sharply. "You hear me? Don't let me catch you doing that. Of course you may have [that] in you. Everybody has. But you've got the [other] too. Here- look up! Look at me!" Cal raised his head and said wearily, "what do you want?" "You've got the other too. Listen to me! You wouldn't even be wondering if you didn't have it. Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now--look close at me so you will remmeber. Whatever you do, it will be you who do it- not your mother." (449)


[that] = sin. evil.  [other]= light. good. JESUS.


I could ramble on about how much I love this book for a really really long time. BUT if you haven't read it...i hope you do soon...because it really touched me. Who we are will always look dirty and disgusting if we look at it through the bad lens of our heart. But looking through Christ....our souls have so, so much potential and we can conquer ourselves... and the world.

until june, past june

LISTEN. to this song. click it. yeah.

the truth in the lyrics is overwhelming to me. it is beautiful. and means a lot to me..i think it would do anyone some good <3

quite enthralled with this band currently. in a few days i will try and fit all my thoughts into a post regarding East of Eden....if i can....

for my class.

                After being around one group of people for most of the time in the last 3 years, I couldn't help but to become incredibly attached to you guys. Love is to want another's good, and I think love is pretty contagious in the class, even though its often subconscious. This love is shown pretty clearly to me through the escalation of happiness when Cooper won a MT award after acting in jeans and a t-shirt, or when Megan shines in her singing and drama roles and you can't help but to feel incredibly proud of her. When Davin finally got around to dunking and our happiness and excitement overflowed. Our frustration when Riley didn't get the ROTC scholarship because we all know what an incredible person he is. These are just a few examples, but I could come up with more. While we do love each other more than we know I think, I don't deny the presence of disagreement and argument in our class. But one time, Mr. Miller said something to me in his office..."It's a strange dynamic to say the least...they fight like brothers and sisters, yet they are always there to defend one another when something comes up." It really stuck. I had been thinking about this a lot lately and over the years have collected a lot of memories that mean more than I can say with every single person. Graduation is ...tomorrow, and time is slipping right through my fingers. I am completely ready to graduate and get out of school, but there are some things that just have to be remembered before moving onto other things.

                With Ben, I laugh out loud thinking about things we say or do...he showed me how to really throw a football, we had insane hotel adventures in London, we have had countless study hall laughs, thrown lots of stuff around, he encouraged me with Davin more than anyone else when i started basketball for the first time, and he has given me invaluable advice and plenty of extremely meaningful pep-talks. Megan has licked me, come with me to the dentist office in the name of getting work done on a project, danced a crazy Prince of Egypt dance in Mr. wilson's room with me, made a bus cake with me, cried with me, and pulled all-nighters with me. Madi and I bought ate a whole pizza & breadsticks for lunch. I have given her a ..few..tattoos, we stayed up till two in the morning one time, talking about EVERYTHING in her hot-tub, and played volleyball and basketball together. In my mind, Riley is the ideal cowboy. He has also advised me several times in the following fashion: "What if you marry him someday Meghan? Would you still say that?", we have played bullies in a music video together, we broke a light with a volleyball, and had intense pillow and pen wars. I have teased Heather more than I should have probably :) and tried to scare her, I have tried to be smarter than Heather. I have creeped on her, and she has made me laugh very, very hard. Libby has done crazy make-up in sephora with me. We snuck out in the snow one day and failed at attacking a boy-army in the snow...we tried to be stealthy. We've done sidewalk chalk, laid in curtains and eaten a lot of oreos at our brothers' JH bball game. Ok maybe I ate most of the oreos. :) I've gotten mad at coop, and he's gotten mad at me. We've said sorry to eachother a lot :) we've taken a webcam picture with Mr. Rallens, we have filmed insane music videos and video edited together. He has mimicked me endlessly, scared me really, really bad, gone to art in park with me, and we've had community service adventures. Hannah has put me in headlocks that sometimes really really hurt! She has sung the National Anthem with me, and we have also played basketball and volleyball together. We've done lots of hair and braiding, and she's helped me learn how to box-out :) I have picked Kade up off the side of the road. We've played in duet competitions, and called eachother slobs. He has given me countless advice on a LOT of different things, and is very wise. I will miss him telling me "that's not a word." Katy was my first friend at the school. She brought me movies and books and chocolate when i had pneumonia, she's cried her eyes our next to me while watching Titanic, went on huge junk food rampages with me, drowned our sorrows in salt and vinegar chips our first (my only ;)) year of Mock Trial. I have been co-dance DJ with Davin, and he's been my pen target practice. He's given me the biggest and funnest bruise i ever acquired, he's tipped my chair countless times, we have *also* had big pillow fights. He has white-washed me, and has been a friend that I needed. Ruth and I have been bored together, we have watched tons of wacky movies together, we taken spontaneous bike rides, studied for innumerable tests, she's cared for me when i don't deserve it, and made me laugh like crazy. Laura has competed with me, always been happy and cheerful around me...she's given me science and math help, and puts others above herself.

                Tell me how I am supposed to move on with my life without all of these wonderful, and incredibly influential people around me? All i can say is that I love and will always love you guys more than I can say. Thank you for everything.

a distraction: pink trees and happy faces

some things are hard. but spring makes heavy hearts light and puts a smile on my face :) 

non-Keane hopes & fears.

sometimes i imagine you in the future. 

your face is light, and the edges are softened with kindness and understanding. 

it's like a beautiful dream that shows everything i wanted for you all along. 

you look back and see how much you missed and how many beautiful things wizzed by,

 and see everything in a new and astounding way. 

i don't just unconditionally love you anymore, now...

i truly and completely like you for everything you've become.

  i pray everyday that this fragment of an image

 that haunts my hopes and fears 

will become

 completely 

real.

troubled...open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see You.

i realized that tonight was my last chance to save my 1-post-per-month-habit. soo i'll write. 


do you know that feeling where you feel self-conscious about everything you do? thats how i feel, i guess. it is one of the dumbest fears in the world, to be afraid of what other people think of you, so i am somewhat ashamed to feel this way.
   first of all, what do the thoughts of man matter? when we subject ourselves to the way of caring what people think of us, and want to continually please them, we are in a way making them a god. I don't believe that we should just throw everything out and say "who cares what anyone thinks, i am who i am and i'm ok with me." it is necessary that we are conscious of how we appear to others because as Christians we represent Christ and who He is to the world. But this is very different than being overly concerned with what others think of believe to be true of you. If we are seeking our Lord's approval of how we live, and reveling in the life He sets before us to live with our eyes on Him....what have we to fear? prayer and wise counsel are what should be payed attention to, not what other people think. "The Lord is on my side, I will not fear...what can man do to me?" [Ps. 118:6] 
Praying that God will show me what to do. it is easy to say all of these things, harder to do. pray for me if you think of it :) thanks.

foggy blubber aka my thoughts.

I'm just laying on my bed listening to Fernando Ortega. Had a basketball game earlier and lost, and now it feels good to just lay here and hear uplifting music that makes me more thankful for and in Christ. I shouldn't be writing a blog post, hahaha...I should be writing essays. Oh well..............
  Right now I feel like clearness is shown to me through the fog. In some ways I feel like I have far too many decisions to make, and when I think too hard about it I start to get stressed out. But I also feel that maybe God is pointing me to exactly what my heart needs. If I stop trying to see the good in situations inside my little life, I get really not okay. Really down. And just anxious. But contrasting the good and bad in my life makes me feel so, so wonderful.
 I think about the people who aren't kind, who are hard for me to deal with, and make me frustrated and contrast them with the selfless friends I have who bring me so, so much joy and care so much for me when I don't deserve it. This makes me sooo happy. There are some people in my life right now that I just don't know what I would do without, and friends that i need as brothers and sisters to be there for me and that God is calling me and showing me to love.
   I think about colleges and where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do...how I want to get married someday, have kids, love people, while still fitting in the studies that I believe God is setting before me. It's kind of hard. But then i realize how much my parents care and how much God is doing RIGHT NOW. It seems clearer that I just have to get the applications in, and hey, He will point the way He wants me to go. Even though I feel like it sometimes, i'm not alone. not alone at all.
   I think about my family and the longer I am with them and the older I have become, the more i realize how much I need them. I don't think I would know who I was without these people. That kind of scares me in the idea of going away.
  in some ways i feel a lot of stress right now, in basketball, homework, piano, issues that my friends are going through, people, grades, college and scholarships, setting up my future.
but then God starts showing me all the beautiful parts of my problems. i think God is teaching me peace. and i can't help but smile.