Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
to feel alive
Sometimes, it feels like life is just crawling along. every day feels like a week. it's like a sickness kind of. trapped inside yourself
january was not my finest month hahaha. i struggled a lot with loneliness and frustration with myself, and just this sort of hole in my heart. I felt like there was something missing and i couldn't figure out what it was.
did i need to be loved? did i need people or a person?
did i need to be more successful? to accomplish more? reach a higher mark?
maybe i need to just be happier? buck up?
did i need adventure? new things? new places?
i just needed Jesus. but WHY do i fail to see that in the worst of times???! my humanity. fallible humanity haha. but geez.....
i feel so much better:)
"And my God will meet ALL your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (philippians 4:19)
it's so easy to forget to live DAILY for Him. it's easy to forget that He is the crux of our existence. & when i forget that, i look for my existence in things of this world and day to day experiences. which never fails to leave me empty. it's also easy to just go through the motions...sing the words....and place Him on a back-burner.
telling myself that it's not always about what I need. God puts some pretty sweet people in my life every day. but do i think about what they need? to live for Him means to live for others as well...and once that registers in your conscience...life feels so purposeful. it moves. and you feel so, very, alive.
...totally a side note, but The Avett Brothers have an album called Emotionalism...and it is gorgeous and so moving. soul music guysss
january was not my finest month hahaha. i struggled a lot with loneliness and frustration with myself, and just this sort of hole in my heart. I felt like there was something missing and i couldn't figure out what it was.
did i need to be loved? did i need people or a person?
did i need to be more successful? to accomplish more? reach a higher mark?
maybe i need to just be happier? buck up?
did i need adventure? new things? new places?
i just needed Jesus. but WHY do i fail to see that in the worst of times???! my humanity. fallible humanity haha. but geez.....
i feel so much better:)
"And my God will meet ALL your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (philippians 4:19)
it's so easy to forget to live DAILY for Him. it's easy to forget that He is the crux of our existence. & when i forget that, i look for my existence in things of this world and day to day experiences. which never fails to leave me empty. it's also easy to just go through the motions...sing the words....and place Him on a back-burner.
telling myself that it's not always about what I need. God puts some pretty sweet people in my life every day. but do i think about what they need? to live for Him means to live for others as well...and once that registers in your conscience...life feels so purposeful. it moves. and you feel so, very, alive.
...totally a side note, but The Avett Brothers have an album called Emotionalism...and it is gorgeous and so moving. soul music guysss
Monday, January 21, 2013
january, shmanuary
i really really don't want to blog this month. my heart is all over the place
trying to figure out who God wants you to be can be a tired, loser-ly, and freakin lonely time. it has been a rough month. but i'm trying to stay encouraged (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdRAsW-IO2c
thats m'favorite song right now. anyways~ onward we go! pray for me! ready to move into feb
trying to figure out who God wants you to be can be a tired, loser-ly, and freakin lonely time. it has been a rough month. but i'm trying to stay encouraged (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdRAsW-IO2c
thats m'favorite song right now. anyways~ onward we go! pray for me! ready to move into feb
Sunday, December 23, 2012
to find the balance..
Throughout junior high/some of high school who I wanted to BE was simply..an impressive intellectual. I don't know why, but that is who I desperately wanted inside myself. I tried to read hard books and tried to be interested in certain theories and debates that smart people were interested in, because I just wanted to grow into the persona of intelligence. My sophomore year I started going to a classical, Christian institution. Ambrose was so good for me, and at least for my sophomore year, I was still strongly pursuing the intellectual person inside of me. Junior and senior year, I slowly lost the desire to be this impressive intellectual...it was really hard to be an impressive intellectual at my school, AND, the more you learned, the stupider you felt. So by senior year I had given up on that aspiration.
I didn't really know who I wanted to be anymore. To be an "impressive intellectual" seemed so meaningless now, and I realized how much my ego had been involved before. But I also realized how much Intellectualism was advertised to me in this time. If you were really, really smart, had deep thoughts about things that people didn't normally think about, used big words, and acted like you knew exactly what you thought because obviously you'd read up on all this stuff and you were just "so intellectually cultured"....you were legit. But now it didn't seem like that to me. I encountered too much arrogance along the way to give Intellectualism the same respect that I once did. I was and am, so tired of ego's being in the way of things. This is not to say that I do not sometimes participate in this habit. But all the same..it became/is increasingly obvious to me.
After senior year, a summer of much deliberation and thinking, and then experiencing an ENTIRELY new environment at NNU with completely different people and countless different opinions and personalities during my first semester....I started to realize what was important to me. who did I want to become? What was my goal as a person. My growing concern soon materialized in my head as a concrete idea/question...how was I to truly love the separate people God put in my life. How to get rid of my ego. To be an intellectual didn't strike me as a highly useful way of loving people. Yes it's good to be smart and cultured. But wisdom is more than knowledge. and I believe that wisdom is used in loving people. not purely intellect.
I decided that obviously being smart was a good thing. Dumb love can only get you so far. But I now struggle with the balance of intelligence and love/compassion.
The culture we live in now, seems to me a strong enforcer of unthinking acceptance, which we translate to love. To judge at all is to be cruel. The only way people of this world can love one another is to say...be happy. I accept your past. I accept who you are. I accept your sins. I accept it all, or at least I say I do because that guarantees peace between all of us, right? And because I accept all this and am the most open-minded person in the world, I am the most loving. Who could love you better than me, someone who doesn't care what you do or what you've done because I AM SANCTUARY.
To me this is dumb love. this is fake love. this is all an illusion of happiness. So, it seems I don't agree with the culture's view of "love." But I also disagree with the idea that the way to love people is pound what we think is truth into their heads [as Christians], and show people what it really means to be a deep thinker, to live the real truth. The intellectual view of love that I had encountered for so many years seemed to say tell them how it is, no matter who they are, because they're better off knowing the facts and hating you for the way you treat them. It's okay for other people to feel stupid if it gets them thinking at all. LET THEM HAVE IT
now I am stuck. My past view of love is skewed. And the culture's view being pushed on me now, is also skewed. All I really want to do is love people, because I feel such strong connections to people who all feel things and are all created in God's image...just like me. I want to know them all. and I want to love them all. But how do I do it without being a steel wall, or a giant pillow. ...yeah my analogies suck. blah blahhh
I think I am supposed to find the balance between intelligence and love. I do not desire to be merely intelligent. Nor do I wish to love without thinking. I think what I want to do is intelligently love people. to wisely love people. This means that I tell them what I think. It means I am not wishy-washy and am completely honest with people. But it also means you treat all people in a manner that they desire to be treated. kindness is so important. Intellectualism forgets this. The wise friend is hard to tangibly attain as well. But my goodness this is so hard to define.
Are we as Christians allowed to lower our standards to become relatable to people from other backgrounds? To a certain limit? Sometimes I feel the need to do this in order to effectively love others. to REALLY become a tangible resource for them. But obviously this makes me and my morality more vulnerable. I would love to know the answer to this. What truly is the most effective way to love in a culture so disillusioned with far too harsh of love, and far too soft of love.
I want to know. And I think the more I learn and practice how to love who God puts in my life...the smaller my ego would become. i hope. sigh....any insight to this giant rolling discussion with myself would be so appreciated.
I didn't really know who I wanted to be anymore. To be an "impressive intellectual" seemed so meaningless now, and I realized how much my ego had been involved before. But I also realized how much Intellectualism was advertised to me in this time. If you were really, really smart, had deep thoughts about things that people didn't normally think about, used big words, and acted like you knew exactly what you thought because obviously you'd read up on all this stuff and you were just "so intellectually cultured"....you were legit. But now it didn't seem like that to me. I encountered too much arrogance along the way to give Intellectualism the same respect that I once did. I was and am, so tired of ego's being in the way of things. This is not to say that I do not sometimes participate in this habit. But all the same..it became/is increasingly obvious to me.
After senior year, a summer of much deliberation and thinking, and then experiencing an ENTIRELY new environment at NNU with completely different people and countless different opinions and personalities during my first semester....I started to realize what was important to me. who did I want to become? What was my goal as a person. My growing concern soon materialized in my head as a concrete idea/question...how was I to truly love the separate people God put in my life. How to get rid of my ego. To be an intellectual didn't strike me as a highly useful way of loving people. Yes it's good to be smart and cultured. But wisdom is more than knowledge. and I believe that wisdom is used in loving people. not purely intellect.
I decided that obviously being smart was a good thing. Dumb love can only get you so far. But I now struggle with the balance of intelligence and love/compassion.
The culture we live in now, seems to me a strong enforcer of unthinking acceptance, which we translate to love. To judge at all is to be cruel. The only way people of this world can love one another is to say...be happy. I accept your past. I accept who you are. I accept your sins. I accept it all, or at least I say I do because that guarantees peace between all of us, right? And because I accept all this and am the most open-minded person in the world, I am the most loving. Who could love you better than me, someone who doesn't care what you do or what you've done because I AM SANCTUARY.
To me this is dumb love. this is fake love. this is all an illusion of happiness. So, it seems I don't agree with the culture's view of "love." But I also disagree with the idea that the way to love people is pound what we think is truth into their heads [as Christians], and show people what it really means to be a deep thinker, to live the real truth. The intellectual view of love that I had encountered for so many years seemed to say tell them how it is, no matter who they are, because they're better off knowing the facts and hating you for the way you treat them. It's okay for other people to feel stupid if it gets them thinking at all. LET THEM HAVE IT
now I am stuck. My past view of love is skewed. And the culture's view being pushed on me now, is also skewed. All I really want to do is love people, because I feel such strong connections to people who all feel things and are all created in God's image...just like me. I want to know them all. and I want to love them all. But how do I do it without being a steel wall, or a giant pillow. ...yeah my analogies suck. blah blahhh
I think I am supposed to find the balance between intelligence and love. I do not desire to be merely intelligent. Nor do I wish to love without thinking. I think what I want to do is intelligently love people. to wisely love people. This means that I tell them what I think. It means I am not wishy-washy and am completely honest with people. But it also means you treat all people in a manner that they desire to be treated. kindness is so important. Intellectualism forgets this. The wise friend is hard to tangibly attain as well. But my goodness this is so hard to define.
Are we as Christians allowed to lower our standards to become relatable to people from other backgrounds? To a certain limit? Sometimes I feel the need to do this in order to effectively love others. to REALLY become a tangible resource for them. But obviously this makes me and my morality more vulnerable. I would love to know the answer to this. What truly is the most effective way to love in a culture so disillusioned with far too harsh of love, and far too soft of love.
I want to know. And I think the more I learn and practice how to love who God puts in my life...the smaller my ego would become. i hope. sigh....any insight to this giant rolling discussion with myself would be so appreciated.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
well i think..
Beware. feelings:
something's been driving me biserk since I have been at school. Never really had to deal with boy girl issues in highschool because most everyone seemed like brothers to me. Sure there were a couple notable crushes. but basically nothing important at all and i didn't get into trouble in that area because I kept my feelings very tightly reined. I was really, really glad of that going into college.
I have never been mocked so much for never having dated someone as I am now. the fact that i've never really had my first kiss is a huge joke. and I am faced with things like "what? you've never had a boyfriend? you're so pretty", "HOW? kissing is one of the best feelings in the world!" or "oh what a shame, I'm sorry!".....
guess what guys
i'm not really that sorry...
ugh.
this is something that I chose for myself. Being in a relationship is kind of a big deal...and that's because it involves our hearts and souls. dangerous material. i put a really high value on those things and relationships can really, really hurt you or someone else when you're not strong enough with your emotions and beliefs, or have firm self-awareness.
The people that i am interested in are people I'm willing to invest my heart into for more than a couple months. dating isn't a game. and neither is my heart. people aren't prizes. guys or girls. and I am tired of people taking the concept of a relationship for granted. Sure do what you want. But God's timing is perfect and what i do is purposeful and intentionally careful. i am living my story..yes that sounds cheesy. but it's really true. so maybe it is weird that i haven't ever kissed anyone in comparison to the culture. but maybe that just makes it pretty dang clear that whoever I kiss is someone that i respect and admire enough to give part of my experience away to. if I got in a relationship, i would probably be reaaaaaaaaaaal interested in their heart. enough to risk their's and mine.
it'd be really cool if people actually respected the fact that i guard my heart and dont let it fly all over the place. blah. anyways. there's my rant.
something's been driving me biserk since I have been at school. Never really had to deal with boy girl issues in highschool because most everyone seemed like brothers to me. Sure there were a couple notable crushes. but basically nothing important at all and i didn't get into trouble in that area because I kept my feelings very tightly reined. I was really, really glad of that going into college.
I have never been mocked so much for never having dated someone as I am now. the fact that i've never really had my first kiss is a huge joke. and I am faced with things like "what? you've never had a boyfriend? you're so pretty", "HOW? kissing is one of the best feelings in the world!" or "oh what a shame, I'm sorry!".....
guess what guys
i'm not really that sorry...
ugh.
this is something that I chose for myself. Being in a relationship is kind of a big deal...and that's because it involves our hearts and souls. dangerous material. i put a really high value on those things and relationships can really, really hurt you or someone else when you're not strong enough with your emotions and beliefs, or have firm self-awareness.
The people that i am interested in are people I'm willing to invest my heart into for more than a couple months. dating isn't a game. and neither is my heart. people aren't prizes. guys or girls. and I am tired of people taking the concept of a relationship for granted. Sure do what you want. But God's timing is perfect and what i do is purposeful and intentionally careful. i am living my story..yes that sounds cheesy. but it's really true. so maybe it is weird that i haven't ever kissed anyone in comparison to the culture. but maybe that just makes it pretty dang clear that whoever I kiss is someone that i respect and admire enough to give part of my experience away to. if I got in a relationship, i would probably be reaaaaaaaaaaal interested in their heart. enough to risk their's and mine.
it'd be really cool if people actually respected the fact that i guard my heart and dont let it fly all over the place. blah. anyways. there's my rant.
Monday, October 22, 2012
feeling better. i think
...this post is just me being all...lifelifelife...blahblah..i apologize ahead of time because it will probably be very scatterbrained ha..unless that interests you haha. just on the brain
people..
i get along with alot because honestly music majors are so personable and lovable. Like...I don't even have to know some people very well and i LOVE them! like choir people. oh geez. so great. Or like all of the people in my theory class hahaha man it is so fun to geek out over something no one would ever geek out with me over before now! One of my favorite things is improv class...dude...okay, the first day. I'm all like, okay, improvisation, whatevs...holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crap every single person is an incredible musician!!!! my mind was so blown and all of a sudden i felt so overwhelmed with all the people who liked to make stuff up like me! and very intimidated hahahah wow so much talent. There are only a couple pianists in the group..a couple others who do voice & piano..but dude me and august are the only just piano players. and he was so infinitely intimidating to me for the first month or so...it made me dislike being there cuz i'd go after him and feel like I didn't know what I was doing at all. But i feel better about that one now haha he is nice and we get along PLUS i'm getting better at improvising :) slowly. SO now I love it and it feels very at-home, it is a very encouraging atmosphere...music people are so loving and uplifting to eachother cuz they all have to get up there and do the same thing. So I don't feel quite as scared anymore.
even though MOST of my friends are music people not all of them are :) most of my classes are music classes though. I have two that aren't...cornerstone, and history. at first i didn't like cornerstone...but...i think history takes the cake for least favorite :X But yeah i love that people are so nice at NNU. like i could talk to almost anyone and they'd be friendly back to me and we could have a little conversation. I have made friends in different circles because i didn't want to isolate myself to musicians because i think there's a beauty in many other circles that many musicians lack and I don't want to be ignorant of all the other beautiful aspects of education, and people. So i really like knowing so many different kinds of people. Crazy how many different backgrounds i come across..in highschool it was easy because everyone is, for the most part, coming from he same viewpoint/history as you. Not the same here because everyone is sooo different. it is really refreshing. also challenging.
I have started getting into the habit of practicing all the time too haha. It feels good. and i will never have as much time as i have now to practice. so i have to try and remember to take advantage of that (: It's so weird how i have to grow into this college thing haha. i have had a hard time finding just like..my people. Egh this is so hard to explain but i feel better when i write about stuff. my class only had 14 people in it. 14 of like..my BEST friends. and that environment was one that felt so safe and secure to me. because, and i feel this is somewhat odd, but i think because i feel most at home when being teased..i'm not a class clown or dumb all the time but i like to make other people happy and sometimes being totally odd is the way to make people happy. because of that want in me i am used to being messed with all the time in my family and in highschool. College/education is serious business for sure, but, i don't like it when all the people i'm with take me too seriously or they can't talk about something loosely. Everything is serious, even the funny things. i don't like being around that 24/7....so, blessed i believe..i have found this really cool group of friends that i feel is super laid back and hilarious but also cares about God and the importance of Christianity in life. i feel so comfortable and happy about it i am praying for constant people to just really keep be grounded while still being absolutely side-splitting and SO much fun to be with. Also. I have gotten to know my dear friend Jordan over the last couple months and we get each other so well while still having our disagreements. I really love it. and her. we are the same major btw. its legit yeah.
I hope i am staying focused on the right things. I'm really trying, and trying to take in every beautiful thing cuz there are so many that I could so easily miss. love all the new things that god is setting before me...so many opportunities. and still hoping he really truly uses me.
wow. yeah that was definitely scatterbrained. but a weight is lifted off my shoulders haha, yay. weird how writing everything out does that for you. k bye.
people..
i get along with alot because honestly music majors are so personable and lovable. Like...I don't even have to know some people very well and i LOVE them! like choir people. oh geez. so great. Or like all of the people in my theory class hahaha man it is so fun to geek out over something no one would ever geek out with me over before now! One of my favorite things is improv class...dude...okay, the first day. I'm all like, okay, improvisation, whatevs...holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crap every single person is an incredible musician!!!! my mind was so blown and all of a sudden i felt so overwhelmed with all the people who liked to make stuff up like me! and very intimidated hahahah wow so much talent. There are only a couple pianists in the group..a couple others who do voice & piano..but dude me and august are the only just piano players. and he was so infinitely intimidating to me for the first month or so...it made me dislike being there cuz i'd go after him and feel like I didn't know what I was doing at all. But i feel better about that one now haha he is nice and we get along PLUS i'm getting better at improvising :) slowly. SO now I love it and it feels very at-home, it is a very encouraging atmosphere...music people are so loving and uplifting to eachother cuz they all have to get up there and do the same thing. So I don't feel quite as scared anymore.
even though MOST of my friends are music people not all of them are :) most of my classes are music classes though. I have two that aren't...cornerstone, and history. at first i didn't like cornerstone...but...i think history takes the cake for least favorite :X But yeah i love that people are so nice at NNU. like i could talk to almost anyone and they'd be friendly back to me and we could have a little conversation. I have made friends in different circles because i didn't want to isolate myself to musicians because i think there's a beauty in many other circles that many musicians lack and I don't want to be ignorant of all the other beautiful aspects of education, and people. So i really like knowing so many different kinds of people. Crazy how many different backgrounds i come across..in highschool it was easy because everyone is, for the most part, coming from he same viewpoint/history as you. Not the same here because everyone is sooo different. it is really refreshing. also challenging.
I have started getting into the habit of practicing all the time too haha. It feels good. and i will never have as much time as i have now to practice. so i have to try and remember to take advantage of that (: It's so weird how i have to grow into this college thing haha. i have had a hard time finding just like..my people. Egh this is so hard to explain but i feel better when i write about stuff. my class only had 14 people in it. 14 of like..my BEST friends. and that environment was one that felt so safe and secure to me. because, and i feel this is somewhat odd, but i think because i feel most at home when being teased..i'm not a class clown or dumb all the time but i like to make other people happy and sometimes being totally odd is the way to make people happy. because of that want in me i am used to being messed with all the time in my family and in highschool. College/education is serious business for sure, but, i don't like it when all the people i'm with take me too seriously or they can't talk about something loosely. Everything is serious, even the funny things. i don't like being around that 24/7....so, blessed i believe..i have found this really cool group of friends that i feel is super laid back and hilarious but also cares about God and the importance of Christianity in life. i feel so comfortable and happy about it i am praying for constant people to just really keep be grounded while still being absolutely side-splitting and SO much fun to be with. Also. I have gotten to know my dear friend Jordan over the last couple months and we get each other so well while still having our disagreements. I really love it. and her. we are the same major btw. its legit yeah.
I hope i am staying focused on the right things. I'm really trying, and trying to take in every beautiful thing cuz there are so many that I could so easily miss. love all the new things that god is setting before me...so many opportunities. and still hoping he really truly uses me.
wow. yeah that was definitely scatterbrained. but a weight is lifted off my shoulders haha, yay. weird how writing everything out does that for you. k bye.
Friday, October 5, 2012
definitely wandering
I'm not even entirely sure what to say...okay. maybe if I think of it this way. there are two sides of "how is college."
The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.
the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...
i don't think i know...
It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!
there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.
The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.
the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...
i don't think i know...
It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!
there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.
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