definitely wandering

I'm not even entirely sure what to say...okay. maybe if I think of it this way. there are two sides of "how is college."

The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.

the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...

i don't think i know...

It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!

there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.

yeaaah buddyyyy

You know when people are all like, "omg, best summer ever."

well. i truly mean it.

I just feel really obligated to sum up the sheer legit-ness of this summer.....

A week and a half or so after i graduated with 14 of my best friends, we left on a roadtrip to California.

We went beachin and window shopping and eating giant shrimp.

i also got to go to disneyland for the first time in my entire life. i am 18. what...

I saw the british heart throb of a band ONE DIRECTION in san diego with my best frand sista frand and enjoyed niall's beautiful face

I read a book that changed my life.

i spent almost a week in McCall, sleeping, having road adventures, learning how to drive a boat, and spending time with family and friends.

i happened to win a radio contest while driving in the car and got to go bowling with this band called Hot Chelle Rae with some good friends. Did you know how they got their name...well. let me tell you. before they were popular and still up and coming...they had this really crazy fan girl on myspace. her name was chelle rae. she happened to be "really hot." so, the band was named. hot chelle rae. like a boss....anyway, they promised us free tickets to their next boise gig. pretty great.

I went ziplining for the first time because my ridiculously cool aunt turned 50. it was amazing. there is no picture to capture the feeling of flying over land and trees

my mom's cousin & her family came and stayed with us for a week.

a few days after they left we drove to where they came from.

In MN we saw these super cool people that we have known our entire lives. 

they are the bechtels. 

and they are beast.

we tubed pretty much every day.

I learned how to water ski. 

well. i attempted it. 

slept by campfires. drove out on a boat with my life-long friend who is named Friend and caught up on 5 years while looking at the stars until 2 in the morning. I got a much needed college pep talk.

after that highlight...we drove over to my grandparents house in Rochester. they are pro on wrinkly dogs. technically called Shar pei's. but you know. we spent time with them & other family. happiness, happiness

I got a new room and painted it yellow and gray. :) i got rid of over half of all the junk i had collected over 5-10 years. feels pretty fresh. i worked a lot of days at my dad's office. i also taught 7 wonderful kids piano and am hoping i can keep them this year...:)

I went coning with friends. Did the unicorn prank. and convinced my oh so serious friend Kade to do the same. that was definitely a highlight. ...if you don't know what it is, definitely youtube it

kade also listened, talked, and helped me figure out some important stuff in my summer. which meant a lot.

ruth and i had some great nights:) 

we went to the fair, and ate hawaiian noodles and sweet potato fries, and even rode a few rides...afterwards some of my closest friends and i stayed up watching movies/24 and talking late late late...530 in the morning never felt so....good..? 

other nights and days included inspiring hikes, morning teas, ultimate frisbee, meeting people, working out with ma soul sista, playing volleyball, making food, eating food, watching tv shows on netflix, having bible studies, movie nights, sleeping on the trampoline, swimming, grad parties, cards and deposited checks:).

yeah i'd say the blessings are overflowing. I couldn't thank God enoughfor this summer...it has truly made me appreciate life much more...I really, really mean that. He showed me so much through people and places, His Word and all His beautiful things. and now i am finally ready to start so many things over at NNU. not just ready...PSYCHED. :)

timshel...finally getting around to it haha:)

Just not good enough. Can't get rid of it. No matter how hard I try, it will never work. I hate myself. Why can't I be like her? I deserve nothing. Why does He even let me live.


Dramatic? Yeah...a little bit. but i think a lot of people think those things. I have...a lot. I mean, there's always going to be girls who post their pictures saying how insecure they are, or how they can never please the public eye...which isn't really the public at all. Overly self conscious, i guess. But I mean the deep, deep discontented feeling inside yourself that doesn't hate how flabby your thighs are, or how you don't have as much as some one else...that feeling when you can't stand who you are...thats what i mean. Reading East of Eden by Steinbeck was one of the best decisions I made this summer. I cried several times, applied all of myself to the book, and felt every pain found in those words....it was a really, really beautiful book. Not the content persayyyy but the writing was so so personal and the emotional ties that Steinbeck makes so easy to relate to REAL pain that people feel in REAL life.


feeling disappointed in yourself is really natural I think. But i've never really seen it honed in on at all, or made clear by anyone in an applicable way. In East of Eden, Cal did that for me. I saw myself so, so clearly, especially being the oldest. There are a lot of different ways, but one in particular that got me so hard was here...
"'Dear Lord,' he said, 'let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything int he world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen.' Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle." 
      I felt like a sniveling little idiot sitting there crying over that paragraph. but i have felt that exact same way and prayed earnestly to be everything that i am not. it is an awful feeling. 

BUT THEN, the book didnt just leave me to drown in all my puddles of tears, thinking about how much I am like Cal and how awful I truly am....its got that word...rEdEmPtIoN!!! Man is so fallen!! SO FINITE. so lifeless and doomed for failure. well. we aren't completely doomed for failure and thats what EOE says. 

i could sing it. like mumford and sons. TIMMMMMMSHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. i have fallen in love with this word.

"'Thou mayest rule over sin,' Lee. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the only ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is true of the battles- only the winners are remembered. Surely most men are destroyed but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!' What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of the earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strata of limestone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I have never understood it or accepted before." (309)

people in this world can WIN? we can CHOOSE to OVERCOME the junk we find trailing along our past? YEAAAAAAh. umm. i could go for that. how much and how deeply I have sorrowed for things I have done. things i have thought. things i have said....all because of how crappy my heart is. things where i am like WOW. i literally cannot believe myself. but i am too pitiful to do anything to repay myself for the things i do. i never punish myself. nah. I just sit there, thinking about how disgusting i am. and it goes away for a while. until I think of it again. and then there's another night wallowing in myself. sick. but Steinbeck writes about this so clearly through Cal & timshel...no matter how bad I am...I can always, always choose to make a right decision. I'm not stuck with the gross heart inside of me. I can work on it. I can scrub dang hard on those disgusting moldy spots on it. and I can make the decision, to leave the disgusting part of my heart, and strive towards the Christ in my heart. sometimes the grossness of it makes it really really hard to choose Christ. but the choice...it's always there. because NOT ALL of my heart is DOOMED to become everything I hate. 

 Jesus conquered sin and death. I am so, so inspired to strive towards this same thing. 

           "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His only Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness,  or peril, or sword? ... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (rom 8:31-37) 

in all things. we are more than conquerors. through Him who loved us. 

holyyyyy wowwwwww. 

with the power of Christ...WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO OR CONQUER ANYTHING. 

"I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed--because 'Thou mayest.'" (304)

the soul of man. is beautified by our God. and I really, really love that idea. 

"You stop that!" Lee said sharply. "You hear me? Don't let me catch you doing that. Of course you may have [that] in you. Everybody has. But you've got the [other] too. Here- look up! Look at me!" Cal raised his head and said wearily, "what do you want?" "You've got the other too. Listen to me! You wouldn't even be wondering if you didn't have it. Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now--look close at me so you will remmeber. Whatever you do, it will be you who do it- not your mother." (449)


[that] = sin. evil.  [other]= light. good. JESUS.


I could ramble on about how much I love this book for a really really long time. BUT if you haven't read it...i hope you do soon...because it really touched me. Who we are will always look dirty and disgusting if we look at it through the bad lens of our heart. But looking through Christ....our souls have so, so much potential and we can conquer ourselves... and the world.

until june, past june

LISTEN. to this song. click it. yeah.

the truth in the lyrics is overwhelming to me. it is beautiful. and means a lot to me..i think it would do anyone some good <3

quite enthralled with this band currently. in a few days i will try and fit all my thoughts into a post regarding East of Eden....if i can....

for my class.

                After being around one group of people for most of the time in the last 3 years, I couldn't help but to become incredibly attached to you guys. Love is to want another's good, and I think love is pretty contagious in the class, even though its often subconscious. This love is shown pretty clearly to me through the escalation of happiness when Cooper won a MT award after acting in jeans and a t-shirt, or when Megan shines in her singing and drama roles and you can't help but to feel incredibly proud of her. When Davin finally got around to dunking and our happiness and excitement overflowed. Our frustration when Riley didn't get the ROTC scholarship because we all know what an incredible person he is. These are just a few examples, but I could come up with more. While we do love each other more than we know I think, I don't deny the presence of disagreement and argument in our class. But one time, Mr. Miller said something to me in his office..."It's a strange dynamic to say the least...they fight like brothers and sisters, yet they are always there to defend one another when something comes up." It really stuck. I had been thinking about this a lot lately and over the years have collected a lot of memories that mean more than I can say with every single person. Graduation is ...tomorrow, and time is slipping right through my fingers. I am completely ready to graduate and get out of school, but there are some things that just have to be remembered before moving onto other things.

                With Ben, I laugh out loud thinking about things we say or do...he showed me how to really throw a football, we had insane hotel adventures in London, we have had countless study hall laughs, thrown lots of stuff around, he encouraged me with Davin more than anyone else when i started basketball for the first time, and he has given me invaluable advice and plenty of extremely meaningful pep-talks. Megan has licked me, come with me to the dentist office in the name of getting work done on a project, danced a crazy Prince of Egypt dance in Mr. wilson's room with me, made a bus cake with me, cried with me, and pulled all-nighters with me. Madi and I bought ate a whole pizza & breadsticks for lunch. I have given her a ..few..tattoos, we stayed up till two in the morning one time, talking about EVERYTHING in her hot-tub, and played volleyball and basketball together. In my mind, Riley is the ideal cowboy. He has also advised me several times in the following fashion: "What if you marry him someday Meghan? Would you still say that?", we have played bullies in a music video together, we broke a light with a volleyball, and had intense pillow and pen wars. I have teased Heather more than I should have probably :) and tried to scare her, I have tried to be smarter than Heather. I have creeped on her, and she has made me laugh very, very hard. Libby has done crazy make-up in sephora with me. We snuck out in the snow one day and failed at attacking a boy-army in the snow...we tried to be stealthy. We've done sidewalk chalk, laid in curtains and eaten a lot of oreos at our brothers' JH bball game. Ok maybe I ate most of the oreos. :) I've gotten mad at coop, and he's gotten mad at me. We've said sorry to eachother a lot :) we've taken a webcam picture with Mr. Rallens, we have filmed insane music videos and video edited together. He has mimicked me endlessly, scared me really, really bad, gone to art in park with me, and we've had community service adventures. Hannah has put me in headlocks that sometimes really really hurt! She has sung the National Anthem with me, and we have also played basketball and volleyball together. We've done lots of hair and braiding, and she's helped me learn how to box-out :) I have picked Kade up off the side of the road. We've played in duet competitions, and called eachother slobs. He has given me countless advice on a LOT of different things, and is very wise. I will miss him telling me "that's not a word." Katy was my first friend at the school. She brought me movies and books and chocolate when i had pneumonia, she's cried her eyes our next to me while watching Titanic, went on huge junk food rampages with me, drowned our sorrows in salt and vinegar chips our first (my only ;)) year of Mock Trial. I have been co-dance DJ with Davin, and he's been my pen target practice. He's given me the biggest and funnest bruise i ever acquired, he's tipped my chair countless times, we have *also* had big pillow fights. He has white-washed me, and has been a friend that I needed. Ruth and I have been bored together, we have watched tons of wacky movies together, we taken spontaneous bike rides, studied for innumerable tests, she's cared for me when i don't deserve it, and made me laugh like crazy. Laura has competed with me, always been happy and cheerful around me...she's given me science and math help, and puts others above herself.

                Tell me how I am supposed to move on with my life without all of these wonderful, and incredibly influential people around me? All i can say is that I love and will always love you guys more than I can say. Thank you for everything.

a distraction: pink trees and happy faces

some things are hard. but spring makes heavy hearts light and puts a smile on my face :) 

non-Keane hopes & fears.

sometimes i imagine you in the future. 

your face is light, and the edges are softened with kindness and understanding. 

it's like a beautiful dream that shows everything i wanted for you all along. 

you look back and see how much you missed and how many beautiful things wizzed by,

 and see everything in a new and astounding way. 

i don't just unconditionally love you anymore, now...

i truly and completely like you for everything you've become.

  i pray everyday that this fragment of an image

 that haunts my hopes and fears 

will become

 completely 

real.