le silent summer

i realized recently that i always kind of blogged last year when i had decided feelings on some particular part of my life or thoughts. my silence is, then, probably due to a lack of resolution this summer. It's like a feeling that of course, I can only imagine...but nonetheless, moving from a decently smooth cold river to a frozen lake, where you see a billion frozen fish around you and the ice is somehow your mind...you don't know which fish is the most like you, which ones are dangerous, or which place on the bottom of the lake is the most fitting for your comfort or well-being. All you can do is stare and observe the clear crystal statues of elements around you..no going forward or backward. wow i sound crazy haha but seriously i'm going crazy. Shmrrrrghh.

This post sounds really negative, but I don't really know if it is. Let's just call it flat

whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

what the heck!! i cannot believe my freshman year of college is about a week away from being totally finished. Some things about the beginning seem so recent, while if i change perspectives, i know that a lot has happened this year and a lot has actually changed since i started. funny how that works...

there's so much i could say or talk about, haha ..i don't even know how to organize it.....like at all.............................OK here i go

• the majority of my attitude is extremely positive
• i have some finals coming up
• womens choir has finished for the year. next year i hope to be in two choirs
• i have a wishywashy plan to double major sophomore year in psychology & music industry
• i am trying to find a job [lol, right]
• i have been insanely busy
• i don't have TONS of friends and i'm not very needy
• but the ones i have..i love so much i feel warm and fuzzy!
• i have met a gazillion more new people this semester
• i have learned to be myself
• i have learned to be super independent
• i have learned how to connect with people in my own way
• i just freakin love people. they are interesting and amazing.
• i have been really musically inspired and stretched recently!
• i now know how to work out and stay motivated!
• i am okay with being alone!
• i am working on being more vulnerable with people. because exposure is NOT weakness!
• ...^this is because of a book i am reading called Daring Greatly and it has been shaking my soullll! ...i could also talk about that for forever. i am so psyched about it. ask me about it sometime.
• sometimes i feel like i'm scraping by but it's been so apparent to me that God is paving a way that i can't necessarily see
• i have been going to tons of concerts this semester!
• i have been recording stuff to practice with
• working on a new original song which is super fun and eye-opening
• a few of my best friends from highschool came to my concert last week and it warmed my heart
• my writing professor told me i should be a literature or english major! i thought about it for a second. **might still be thinking about it
• new piano pieces are rollin in for next semester:)

i basically just feel...happy. and blessed. like this year was really, really hard...as i guess a lot of my blogposts show..kind of pessimistic. and now i finally see what God is doing. well, some of it. and i know i won't always stay this happy cause life never stays the same. but i love to relish in the contentment of uncertainty that i have for now. kind of went on and on about all those things. but i have learned so much this year from God, my family, people in my life, and new experiences. and it makes me so excited.

i'm not scared to be alone..& i'm not afraid to like it.

to feel alive

Sometimes, it feels like life is just crawling along. every day feels like a week. it's like a sickness kind of. trapped inside yourself

january was not my finest month hahaha. i struggled a lot with loneliness and frustration with myself, and just this sort of hole in my heart. I felt like there was something missing and i couldn't figure out what it was.

did i need to be loved? did i need people or a person?
did i need to be more successful? to accomplish more? reach a higher mark?
maybe i need to just be happier? buck up?
did i need adventure? new things? new places?

i just needed Jesus. but WHY do i fail to see that in the worst of times???! my humanity. fallible humanity haha. but geez.....
   i feel so much better:)
"And my God will meet ALL your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (philippians 4:19)
it's so easy to forget to live DAILY for Him. it's easy to forget that He is the crux of our existence. & when i forget that, i look for my existence in things of this world and day to day experiences. which never fails to leave me empty. it's also easy to just go through the motions...sing the words....and place Him on a back-burner.

telling myself that it's not always about what I need. God puts some pretty sweet people in my life every day. but do i think about what they need? to live for Him means to live for others as well...and once that registers in your conscience...life feels so purposeful. it moves. and you feel so, very, alive.













...totally a side note, but The Avett Brothers have an album called Emotionalism...and it is gorgeous and so moving. soul music guysss

january, shmanuary

i really really don't want to blog this month. my heart is all over the place

trying to figure out who God wants you to be can be a tired, loser-ly, and freakin lonely time. it has been a rough month. but i'm trying to stay encouraged (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdRAsW-IO2c

thats m'favorite song right now. anyways~ onward we go! pray for me! ready to move into feb