solo dolo

It’s been a little while!

I have literally been putting off blogging on this topic for years. I guess I realized it was time when I was flipping through the radio stations today, and began seriously wishing all the songs were about burgers and fries instead of men and women in love. SOMETIMES BEING SINGLE PRETTY MUCH SUCKS, and I’m just gonna say it. 

I think in my mind I somehow calculated that if I blogged about being single, I was admitting to being unwanted, boring, desperate, or unhappy with my lot in life. Plus, every single person who blogs about it says something like, this is your time to enjoy life and do whatever you want! You aren’t accountable to anyone! It’s better to be single than to be linked to the wrong person! Keep praying! This will strengthen your relationship with the Lord! He is testing you! 

All of those things are things that I have either been told or have read. Some are true, others not so much. And I feel like most of the people who give this advice are not single themselves, or are putting on a bit of a facade. So I am going to be as straight up as possible about singleness. It’s not always fun, and truthfully, I hope I’m not single forever. 

Granted, some people actually do love being single. More often than not, these people are the ones saying that this is the time to do whatever you want, and that you aren’t held accountable. When I’ve been in this state of mind, I’ve found that I am saying I have no desire for a relationship, but am constantly craving physical or emotional attention to fill a gap that is in my heart, whether I admit it or not. 

Listen to the radio. People LIKE being in love. They’re all singing about it. Most people have some inkling of a desire to love and be loved. And I won’t lie, I definitely have more than an inkling. When we don’t want to be alone, though, is perhaps when we need it the most. 

I’m not writing this to give my opinion on being single and how to handle it. Enough people have done that. I’m really just sharing [some of] my emotional experiences with it because at this point, I believe it is healthy for me.

Disclaimer, I haven’t been single this whole last decade. I’m not really in the dark about how it feels to be in a relationship with another person. But the topic is quite pressing in my family, friend circles, and every other corner of my social life. “Any boy toys, Megs?” “Hows the man hunt?” “Got your eye on anyone?” Thankssss for asking, everyone. This always bugs me because if there were another person, I would probably have said something. So I’m glad you are clarifying with me. Lol. What people often do not understand is that just because a girl is “single,” does not mean that she is a flower that no one seems to have noticed. Sorry for the metaphor. But yeah, she’s probably been approached and is, for everyone’s benefit, being semi-selective about who she opens her heart to. 

The truth is, our culture puts such little weight and value in relationships. I don’t date for fun. Being vulnerable with another human being hurts too much to just mess around for no reason. Waiting for all the dots to connect is excruciating at times, but as a girl, it is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for other people. There is no point dilly dallying and dabbling with other people's emotions while we wait for God to suddenly show us who we were created for. 

I recently thought I knew what (or who) God’s plan for me was (lol). All I wanted to do was spill all of my emotions and share how I felt, and see if the dots would connect. I literally felt sick and never slept because I was so uppity about it. Somehow I stopped myself from getting carried away, and prayed every night that God would give me direction in the matter, and also give me patience to bear the weight of my own desires. After weeks of not getting anything, eating constantly, sleeping never, I sort of got an answer. It wasn’t the answer I wanted, so I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head. But I quickly realized that if my plan were God’s plan, He would make it happen. I wouldn’t not be the one making things happen. And, most likely, God would have been the one to tell the person of my interest that I was the plan, not me. So I have emotionally dropped the desires (with difficulty), and the Lord somehow gave me peace about accepting things the way they are...

Which, is at this point, single (:

Elisabeth Elliot said, “God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God’s refusals are always merciful -- ‘severe mercies’ at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” I read it a couple days ago and my soul was flooded with peace. Knowing the Lord has my life in His hands, and orchestrates everything the way He does because He loves me - is the best possible thing. 

So maybe, I don’t love being single, but I do love that I have a God that is protecting me and doing the best possible thing with my life. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (ps 137) The waiting game is hard, but WE HAVE THIS HOPE as an anchor for the soul, and it’s way better than creating our own games out of boredom and loneliness. 

Loneliness is a subtopic that deserves it’s own blogpost. But I can say that trusting in the Lord, cliche as it sounds, is one of the only things that has gotten me through this summer. I love my God and the peace he brings in a painful world. If you made it this far, thanks for reading (:

I Need Thee

one of the most popular messages in today's culture, particularly to women, is that we must strive to be strong and independent, immune to all opinions, criticism, help, or labels. above are some of the quotes I found scrolling through pinterest today. we are obsessed with the idea of being self-sufficient. 

Speaking for myself, I would typically consider myself a pretty independent person in many aspects. I have learned not to rely on having friends at my beck and call, and am completely comfortable having my own plan, going places alone (usually, pepperspray really ups my confidence), and generally I do not like to make others aware of things that I am struggling with. I like to solve my own problems. 

This is not necessarily uncommon. Especially since both the media and culture are breathing down our backs to be strong, to blaze our own trails, be our own husbands, and many times to be tough as nails. being a 'bad bitch' is commonly glorified because she is defined as such: "A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion, be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards, only her own."(another pin). We are breeding a generation of "hard ass women who take no shit." 

Is this independence? Wow.

Switching gears a little bit (just for a bit I promise, I'll connect the dots), I've been working pretty relentlessly on my prayer life. To be terribly honest, prayer has been one of my weakest links to God for years. Until very recently, it has always felt awkward to me. Am I talking to myself? What is the point of my garrulous insomnia if I don't hear anything back? Prayer did not strengthen my faith but often times, it made me feel weaker. So, I sort of disengaged for a long time. When I was desperate and awfully down or scared, I'd give it a shot, but it was just a half-hearted plea, making sure I hadn't exhausted all my options….sometime's I'd even use blogging or journaling as a substitute. Through a variety of paths, I felt convicted about this spiritual issue that I had avoided for so long and started to investigate a little. In the past couple months I have confronted my qualms and literally practiced prayer every day. I did not start out every day actually…I think it started like maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I'm sure to some that sounds absolutely ludicrous, but I had to start somewhere! And the amazing thing is that Jesus always meets us where we're at. And that's what He did for me too. While the first few weeks were madly uncomfortable and made me feel more insecure than ever, I soon realized that developing a firmer prayer life was about much more than being able to communicate with God. It was building a relationship between myself and God. 

I didn't want to release all my problems, thoughts, and desires. I just wanted a little help, every now and then. Something to get me by. But I am realizing now that I am getting much more than something to get me by. haaaaallelujah. Talking with God every morning and every night is one of the best things I have ever indulged in. Whether I am exuberant, weary, overwhelmed, grateful, hurt, guilty, or completely content, it is comforting to know that He knows it all and for some reason, He takes the time out of His day and listens to my pathetic wanderings. Investing in a habit of prayer has significantly increased my trust in His plan, and given me a much clearer perspective of His love and often times of myself. 

All we want to be is independent, but the reality is that what we need is the exact opposite. Learning to be dependent on the God of the universe is one of the most comforting things we can do for ourselves. Elvina Hall put it beautifully in the song Jesus Paid it All: "I heard the Saviour say, 'Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all." Admitting that our strength IS so small and that we ARE children of weakness opens new doors for growth, and baring it all at the feet of Jesus will never hurt you. It will only bless your life in more ways than you could possibly imagine. I'm still finding that out and it's like WOW

So going back to what I started with….I don't really want to be that romanticized independent woman that culture encourages. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman with goals. But I will not be a bitch who takes no shit. Honestly, I'm going to take a lot of sh**. (Not sure why I starred it this last time) I mean I figure, Jesus does it all day, every day….Thank God, or I'd be ruined. I will not be a hard ass. I intend to be a soft person with a heart malleable and willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus, regardless of how uncomfortable it is or how much it hurts to be open and dependent in every circumstance. 

I aspire to be an entirely dependent woman, relying fervently on my saviour, knowing full well that I need Him desperately. I need thee o I need thee, every hour I need thee. O blessed be thou my Saviour, I come to thee

January thoughts. (what a boring title)

Lately, I have been fascinated by the idea of a simple life. because far too often, life just feels so complicated and absolutely absurd when it doesn't have to be. Slowly, I've been trying to cleanse my life of things obstructing simplicity. One of the first things I did was a little less than a year ago; deleting my Facebook was such a fulfilling decision. The account literally doesn't exist anymore. I also used to blog on tumblr a lot, but rarely indulge anymore. And most recently, I eliminated all of my twitter habits, and that account cannot be reactivated either. My reasoning for all of that was sort of in response to my motivation for having all of those social media outlets in the first place. After examining myself it was pretty obvious that I got a lot of my self-worth through internet approval. It's embarrassing to even admit for me now because I find it so ridiculous, but I know that in essence I was worried about what I looked like to an entire world of people that didn't know me, more than I was worried about how I looked to Jesus. 

The thing is, we are obsessed with the idea that what we look like, what we think, or what we want…we are obsessed with the idea that those things actually matter. We get the idea in our heads that people should want to know our opinions on matters of this world. We want everyone to know what music we've been listening to. We want everyone to know what we think of president Obama. Because what we think is so important that everyone needs to know about it. We are desperate for a decent connection with people who are as smart as us, people who like to do the same things that we do, or even desperate to give ourselves a sense of superiority to others through comparison on the internet. So why do we turn to social media as an outlet to interact with people? Why do we want their approval so desperately? And why on earth do we believe we are so important?

Well, we replace human interaction with social media because we are afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is perceived as a weakness. To be open and exposed is to leave yourself available to harm and manipulation. So what better way to hide your authentic self than to engage in a digital life? People have a hard time making the realest and most wholesome friends because they are not willing to reveal who they really are and who they have been. In order to have a soulful connection with another person each person must bare his scars and exchange the most impacting occurrences of his life. Brené Brown wrote in her book Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path” (140).

Only in this susceptibility can we inch toward the center of raw humanness. To be human is to fail, and if we put on a show like failure is not and has never been an option, we will find a plethora of fake friends and others who desire to live a sham of a life. Many of these “friendships” and connections are formed through digital technology. And because we tie ourselves down to the tweets we compose, how many likes we get, and how often we get Snapchats from people we do not actually know, we are losing the meaning in our lives and living in a hollow shell. It is therefore increasingly hard to break down people’s walls and find the true man inside.

God created us for a life full of so much more than tweets, statuses, and new photo albums. And we are fleeing from it. This is starting from such a young age in our present culture. And while digital technology is not the only outlet that these philosophical problems are filtering through, it is a prominent one. Children are receiving cell phones as early as third grade. A 7 year old girl that I used to babysit just began following me on Instagram, a photo sharing site that I never predicted would be used by children, swimming in hundreds of followers and posting self portraits asking if they are cute or stupid. The faux-world is infiltrating every age group of our culture and training us to become feeling-less machines that look for comfort in a device, rather than Jesus Christ or His actual “followers” on this earth.

This is discouraging for me, especially because I can see the effects in the people I am attending college with and on myself. There are only a few cures to this problem. As a vulnerable and authentic person in our culture, it is so healthy to practice kindness to quite literally, everyone. This can be hard, but realizing that every single human is lacking some form of love and searching for it in some way opens up countless doors in the search for the human soul in our friends and acquaintances. I feel that we must make a conscious effort to hold meaningful and genuine face-to-face conversations with those who cross our paths, and truly invest in the exposing of a person’s heart. 

In application of my "SIMPLIFY MY LIFE" endeavors, I've stopped scrolling through Facebook before class starts. I've been more intentional in my relationships with my own family and the people around me. And if I have spare time, I read a book, not a dramatic comment thread hahah.

And perhaps, this entire post is self-contradictory in the fact that I believe what I'm saying actually matters……lol at myself. but I don't have it all figured out…..I'm actually wrestling with a rather weird issue myself, not to be discussed in this post. But to hint, I think I may be becoming a…

hopeless romantic??????

omg help! 

and also omg help I just said omg! in a blog post! okay, thats enough. until next time...