feeling better. i think

...this post is just me being all...lifelifelife...blahblah..i apologize ahead of time because it will probably be very scatterbrained ha..unless that interests you haha. just on the brain
 people..
 i get along with alot because honestly music majors are so personable and lovable. Like...I don't even have to know some people very well and i LOVE them! like choir people. oh geez. so great. Or like all of the people in my theory class hahaha man it is so fun to geek out over something no one would ever geek out with me over before now! One of my favorite things is improv class...dude...okay, the first day. I'm all like, okay, improvisation, whatevs...holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy crap every single person is an incredible musician!!!! my mind was so blown and all of a sudden i felt so overwhelmed with all the people who liked to make stuff up like me! and very intimidated hahahah wow so much talent. There are only a couple pianists in the group..a couple others who do voice & piano..but dude me and august are the only just piano players. and he was so infinitely intimidating to me for the first month or so...it made me dislike being there cuz i'd go after him and feel like I didn't know what I was doing at all. But i feel better about that one now haha he is nice and we get along PLUS i'm getting better at improvising :) slowly. SO now I love it and it feels very at-home, it is a very encouraging atmosphere...music people are so loving and uplifting to eachother cuz they all have to get up there and do the same thing. So I don't feel quite as scared anymore.
 even though MOST of my friends are music people not all of them are :) most of my classes are music classes though. I have two that aren't...cornerstone, and history. at first i didn't like cornerstone...but...i think history takes the cake for least favorite :X But yeah i love that people are so nice at NNU. like i could talk to almost anyone and they'd be friendly back to me and we could have a little conversation. I have made friends in different circles because i didn't want to isolate myself to musicians because i think there's a beauty in many other circles that many musicians lack and I don't want to be ignorant of all the other beautiful aspects of education, and people. So i really like knowing so many different kinds of people. Crazy how many different backgrounds i come across..in highschool it was easy because everyone is, for the most part, coming from he same viewpoint/history as you. Not the same here because everyone is sooo different. it is really refreshing. also challenging.
 I have started getting into the habit of practicing all the time too haha. It feels good. and i will never have as much time as i have now to practice. so i have to try and remember to take advantage of that (: It's so weird how i have to grow into this college thing haha. i have had a hard time finding just like..my people. Egh this is so hard to explain but i feel better when i write about stuff. my class only had 14 people in it. 14 of like..my BEST friends. and that environment was one that felt so safe and secure to me. because, and i feel this is somewhat odd, but i think because i feel most at home when being teased..i'm not a class clown or dumb all the time but i like to make other people happy and sometimes being totally odd is the way to make people happy. because of that want in me i am used to being messed with all the time in my family and in highschool. College/education is serious business for sure, but, i don't like it when all the people i'm with take me too seriously or they can't talk about something loosely. Everything is serious, even the funny things. i don't like being around that 24/7....so, blessed i believe..i have found this really cool group of friends that i feel is super laid back and hilarious but also cares about God and the importance of Christianity in life. i feel so comfortable and happy about it i am praying for constant people to just really keep be grounded while still being absolutely side-splitting and SO much fun to be with. Also. I have gotten to know my dear friend Jordan over the last couple months and we get each other so well while still having our disagreements. I really love it. and her. we are the same major btw. its legit yeah.
 I hope i am staying focused on the right things. I'm really trying, and trying to take in every beautiful thing cuz there are so many that I could so easily miss. love all the new things that god is setting before me...so many opportunities. and still hoping he really truly uses me.
 wow. yeah that was definitely scatterbrained. but a weight is lifted off my shoulders haha, yay. weird how writing everything out does that for you. k bye.

definitely wandering

I'm not even entirely sure what to say...okay. maybe if I think of it this way. there are two sides of "how is college."

The first and most typical answer is "Crazy! Insane! I can't believe how much my life has changed in one month!" This is the physical answer to the question. It's crazy and insane because I've never felt so busy. I drive 30 minutes to school and like 20 back. thats cuz of traffic, if youre really curious. It's insane because I can't believe how much stuff I get to do that i LOVE. I have never been so surrounded music as I am now. and I don't feel too nerdy yet. so that's a plus i think. I have never met such a diverse group of people from such different backgrounds. I've never felt so free to do what I want to do. but i also feel that way mentally....i have never felt so free to think what i want to think.

the second answer is that my mind feels like its being surrounded from all sides, and I feel like I don't even know who I am. I thought I knew, after so many years behind me...but that's what God does, dumps you upside down and asks you if you really know what you're talking about...

i don't think i know...

It's not that I miss the past and the security I had before, or dislike what's happening to me now. More like I am struggling to know how God wants me to grow up. and geez, growing up is tough!

there is so much I could say and expound upon but that's the general overview. it's hard to sum up how many feelings i've had in a little over a month haha. I know God is here and in my weakness I am made strong...yeah definitely praying for strength! and thanking him for challenge.