my heart has been stretched and pulled tenaciously throughout this year. I guess that's how God gets your attention, haha.
one of the biggest things I have realized is that it is okay to wrestle, question, and search for clarity. being a christian does not necessitate having everything figured out. the truth is, the story is in the struggle. if i hadn't pushed a few limits, asked hard questions, and made hard decisions, i wouldn't have gotten to know new aspects of not only myself, but learned to understand God in ways that I had not yet experienced. This is not to say that I don't think I made mistakes or do not have regrets. Because I will always have something to regret, calling on Jesus to forgive me like he always does.
I just have to say, I love being a Christian.
Each man has his own right to believe what he believes, but I am so blessed to believe in my Redeemer. Maybe others have found comfort and love in other things of this world, but nothing here can satisfy my deepest desires like the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I know this because I've done things I'm not proud of; I've tried to fill the void. But it simply cannot be filled without him.
I sometimes feel ashamed because I feel like often, I am going backwards. It's like, the older I get, the more I realize I don't have a clue. The older I get, the more questions I have. The older I get, the more I realize that I need to trust and rely on Him more than anything. In the past few months, I have fostered a terrible habit of not releasing my troubles to God. I want to believe that I can do it myself. I doubt that God could work through the situation I'm trying to handle. I think that maybe, God doesn't fit the bill for this problem, and I need to figure out a way to do this myself. It is entirely fruitless and frustrating. Time and time again, when I stop and realize that I can't do it alone- I find that he proves me wrong. The thing I thought was out of God's scope, the thing that I didn't think would work out, plays out beautifully in a way I never could have conspired if I didn't leave it to Him. Like, "Hey meg! Didn't I tell you, with me all things are possible? don't even worry. I will always have your back and I have a greater plan than you will ever know. Trust me."
I love being a Christian because there is no one in this world that could love a selfish, indecisive, hypocritical person like me as Jesus does. In the words of my dear old friends in relient k, "I've been a liar, and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say 'I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.'" Getting involved with Jesus is something I will never regret. without him, I would be lonely and lost forever.
Essentially, it's like this…when I draw near to God, He draws near to me. When I seek him, I find him. I have made grim mistakes in deserting him and wandering out on my own to see what I can find. But when I come back dirty, unfulfilled, desperate, hungry, and tear-stained…He opens his arms and says welcome back my dear. And I instantly wonder why I ever left.
Currently, life is good (: I'm chipping away at an English Education degree at Boise State. I'm recovering from hard choices this year. But my family is great. I have never felt closer to them, and they have never been so important to me. Church is also something that I look forward to every sunday and it feels like the place I belong. I love my bible study and the community I've found at BSU with that. I have a new server job, too! I think God is really doing important things in my life right now and I am happy to have recovered a trust in Him that I seemed to have lost. So thankful.
